Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Soren go tell mommy you love her
I already told her a hundred times
you need to tell her 101 times
heavy sigh "okaay"

"Mommy I love you"

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


dad "Good night everyone" Ben "Good night everyone one this side of the world where it is night"  Soren "Good night everyone on both sides of the world where it is night and where it is day"
Dad "thank you universe for letting us exist"
Ben "Did God make us?"
Dad" I don't think so"
Ben " So we just think he made us?"
Dad " Some people think God made us, but I don't. You can think so if you want to"
Ben " Well how did we get here?"
Dad" first first there was nothing then a big bang then we just sort of developed"
Ben "I know God made us because well who would.
 Soren" God made us??"
Ben "Yes he made himself out of nothing then he made us."
Dad "God might be a girl."
Ben "God is a boys name so I am pretty sure he's a boy
Dad to myself "I hope I remember this in the morning."

Monday, January 16, 2012

real running

work is cancelled due to inclement get out the heart rate monitor and the trunks head out to the arroyo to run. Cold sleet and ice melting. The turn from road to arroyo hard fall it hurts because of the cold and not being warmed up. Why did I not break something? Luck? fitness? hard bones? now into 3 inch mud with ice underneath muddy shoes sticking then sliding cold legs scratched by burrs melting snow creates a small creek shoes are clean again. 40 minutes later home safe and sound

Saturday, January 7, 2012

guitar george

Wednesday morning I drop my truck off for an oil change and fuel filter change(diesel engine) The shop said they would give me a ride to my appointment. The driver does not show up so I get to sit and chat (my favorite activity after the unmentionable and reading) for 20 minutes waiting for the taxi.
The male nurse waiting with is talking about not wanting to be in management because he expects everybody to be competent and do their best..
the taxi comes and the driver takes many wrong turns and I hear my companion huffing under his breath as we chat about the pros and cons of taxi driving and the issues around veterans mental health and post traumatic stress disorder. He works at veterans psych ward and my stepfather was in Vietnam. Any way w get to my stop and I tip the driver(no way is her incompetent driving getting a tip from him)
I finish my business and the auto shop calls. My truck is finished they do not have a ride for me and the vehicle has miraculously developed a flat. I figure 4 mile walk back to the shop will not only make up for not running for the last 10 days(I lost my mileage keeper tracker of(er) and give the shop a chance a chance to fix the flat. As I walk down St. Michael's drive a fellow flags me down. Apparently HE wants to chat as we walk
He starts telling me his story of rehab and the hospital and getting picked of for drunk and disorderly. After a few minutes he looks closely and says "You are not Guitar George? " I answer truthfully that I am indeed not Guitar George. He nods,we introduce ourselvs and Chris continues his adventures with cops and fights and unsuccessful romance(don't ask) as if I was indeed his long lost buddy. At one point I ask Chris what Guitar George does. DUH Guitar George plays the guitar.  Anyway we become best friends we grew up in the same neighborhood and are the same age. Chris asks me to walk with him from rehab to the new program at the old Pete's pet. We do not quite make it because i lent him(gave) money and he bought vodka. He decides to wait till tomorrow to check out the new program and i get ride to the shop and hang out for another hour reminiscing about alcholic childhoods with the receptionists the owner comes in and lets me know that  I brought the truck in with a flat and I only have to pay $95 for a new tire

Thursday, January 5, 2012

christmas day run

On christmas day I st out to run on the treadmill while watching tv. The treadmill was making a horrible noise so I threw on some shorts and headed out the door for an arroyo. I headed down the dead end road towards the arroyo to my surprise I had to let a car go by, can't get away from them anywhere! At the end of the road a small trail heads down to the arroyo. The snow is about 4" deep and freezes my feet and bare legs.
         some coyote tracks lead me to the bottom and I head upstream. There are now not even tracks and it is silent, only the sound of my breathing and the noise in my head. My feet slowly adjust to the cold as they do and I slow down because of the snow and my breathing is quiet. I run for 20 or 30 minutes thinking heavy thoughts and chugging up the arroyo I get to the road where the arroyo begins and rest for a minute before I head back down. My body grumbles a little at the renewed effort and the i am running easily. A surprising thing happens, my mind is quiet and I move over the snow with no sound even in my head. The landscape slides by without effort and I become less and less aware of myself. How do you describe this? At oneness? unity? peace? I guess I do not know. For a small window in time I am in this altered state.
I come to the barb wire fence that I have to climb through and this thing we call reality comes rushing back into my awareness like the tide. I realize that I am tired and that the remaining mile or so is going to be physically trying. Especially with the weight of reality of the world firmly on my shoulders again.
   I wish he had stayed home instead of waiting at the fence.

Monday, January 2, 2012

who am I?

I listen to sports talk radio a lot. Colin Cowherd is very smart.  One thing he said recently sticks with me. "A lot of success is knowing who you are".
   I have been thinking about that ever since. Who am I? It seems that I do not really know.
I am a non hispanic white male born in America. I survived a psychologically interesting childhood and believe that my sanity was saved by going to Santa Fe Prep school. I was not mature enough to stick to college.
  Since I dropped out of college I have coasted through life taking it day by day. Drifting on the sea of life going where the wind blew me. I have used no force to give my life direction whether financial or or moral. I have a nagging feeling that I was raised to be a social warrior and had no real interest in that. I have a deep interest in sports especially track but did not have the talent to run for a living or the mental ability to deal with using that interest to use that interest to keep interested in education.
Now I am a farrier which seems to fit me very well. It is a simple business in terms of paperwork and overhead. It is very demanding physically which is very valuable to me. I am around horses and interesting people all day. I make pretty good money and when I am not working I am not losing money. Most important I am my own boss. At 47 though I think that I have 13 or less years of full time shoeing and as a life drifter I am not invested in social security and have no savings. With young kids I think maybe I should be planning the next deal. Having spent my whole life just putting my head down and getting through the day I am struggling mightily with the idea that I can both get through the day and plan for the future and act on a plan.

to be continued