sports and honor

There is something that has bothered me for a while about America in general and sports specifically. I grew up with a belief that honor is important. The old Vince Lombardi quote "Winning isn't everything it is the only thing." seems to me at best amoral and more likely plain old immoral.
  I think sports are a reflection of society. Recently I have become aware of a whole group of thought that "chaps my hide!" "I don't make the rules I just use them." is used to justify "legal"cheating. "Everybody else is doing it" Another justification of lying cheating and other unlikable hobbies.
   My idea of sports has always been practicing excellence honor and teamwork. I believe that especially in sports where lives are not at stake, one MUST practice honor and fairness. If one cannot support honor on the field of play, how is one to practice it when there is real danger.
  I remember the first year Lance Armstrong won the Tour De France. He fell at one point and the German who was competing against him waited as honor dictated. Armstrong went on to win. The next year the German fell. You can guess what Armstrong did. Not cheating but not honorable. These people often state that honor and morality are weakness.  Another funny thing is that I find it hard to trust someone in life if I believe they will cheat in sports. Many disagree with me and claim that sports is separate from the rest of life. Interesting eh?

let's be honest

I like to think that I am honest, mainly because I heard somewhere that good people and heroes are always honest. Quite often I find myself in a situation where I sense honesty will cause me stress(mainly somebody I respect may think less of me) Sometimes in those situations I will lie(usually by omission ) Then of course I will feel bad and lose respect for MYSELF . I also talk to myself a lot,luckily not enough to be put away,definitely enough so that we..I mean I never feel lonely anyway I ask myself did you lie? The answer of course is yes but then I will lose respect and feel worse about myself so sometimes I lie ... Of course then we have a real problem.  As some English guy said "...when first we practice to deceive...."

Privacy policy

Watching a tv show with people running around in hospital gowns. The weird thing is that nothing was showing. Seems like the real life gowns should somehow come under the "we won't share your private parts with anybody without your permission, doesn't it?  Seriously why do the actors get cool gowns and if we go to the doctor we get something that doesn't fit

spiritual

A lot of information coming in about spirituality and the the advent of war. A small article in the NYT about zombie bees may have the answer. All you zombie freaks out there ,my apologies. You were right. Apparently there are parasites that take over bee brains ,make them do stupid things and then eat them from the inside out.  Not too big a step from bees too humans eh?  So the parasites cause war injustice and unhappiness and then eat our brains.
     According to scientific American 42% of our DNA is primate, the rest is any number of symbiotes parasites hitchhikers and who knows what. Makes you think does it not? Of course maybe some non human is controlling our thoughts ?
  ps. spellcheck does not like symbiotes. Wikipedia says that they are a marvel comics invention, aliens who take over humans.

First world whining

So I have gotten some grief for complaining about the inconvenience of running in my new high faluting neighborhood.
   I guess it is true I could think of at least two people who wish they had my problems.

the medium is the message

TV in capitals reminds of Walker Percy's book The Medium Is The Message. Now I have to find it somewhere and read it so I know what he is talking about. Not as fun as just making stuff up out of dimly remembered sociology class and conversations with the Cheeks and my Mom, but it seems more ... adult, I guess although listening to sports and political pundits maybe doing research is not very common. It does seem that the sports talking heads(not the musicians) are more willing to back their bold sweeping statements with research and facts,but My theory is that is only because there is less at stake for them than the political persons. Any way as my sister and my friend Alessandra keep reminding me, " there is always the library.
  So any way to make a long and winding thought a little less unintelligible, maybe it does not matter what you are doing while the TV is on because the medium is destroying my soul by its very nature? I guess I'll go to the library and ask Percy

Adjustments

I am not liking my new location. I have this weird idea that I should be able to comfortably run from my home. Of course my definition of comfortable is the adjustable here. I have to run on roads (Anathema) or on Highway right of way to get to arroyos which run through peoples(another running no-no, other humans that is) backyards for several miles before I get to privacy.
  I know that people will say "why not drive somewhere?" Well.. doesn't that seem silly?Why would I spend valuable fuel and wear and tear on my vehicle in order to go somewhere to practice going places?
  My answer is I would not. It bothers me. I do not mind running on a treadmill while watching TV because the I am mixing a favorite activity with an exercise and it is convenient.(Huh. Spellcheck tells me that tv just like god is supposed to be capitalized...definitely a subject unto itself)  

Helping

Helping out some poor dude who ran out of gas in ABQ.  He had no money a dead battery and seemed very sad. Anyway I bought a gas can and some gas and left him there waiting for his wife to bring some jumper cables. The cops pushed his car off the road and left him there. I wonder how it turned out.

modern day disasters

No sound on youtube. Guess I will have to deal with live people today

feeling good

I remember about a year ago I had a day where I had no aches or pains worked a whole day felt great all day and ran a few miles at the end. I told my friend that I would like to feel that way every day. He did not actually laugh at me but I got the feeling he thought I was being a little optimistic. I have not felt that good since. Today feels like it mat=y have a chance,of course it is only eleven am

smallerer town

Turns out my new house used to belong to my young sons classmate.Really brings home the tragedy of the economic collapse

shocking experience

Sunday morning at 9  I arrive at my clients house to shoe Sven and his new barn buddy. I get out of the car and say hi to the horse the head back to get my gear. I hear a strange sound and turn to look. Sven is on the ground having a fit. I run to the house and get Sven's person's husband. When we get to the barn Sven is sitting up whinnying. By the time husband gets back to the house the horse is dead.
The group of us are in shock and few days later I seem to still be unsettled by the sudden passing of an Equine acquaintance. 

Small town

I am in the midst of moving and buying a house and getting a friendly divorce. My friend Allessandra owns a small tile company and volunteered her husband Steve to redo the ruined counters in my new house. She is making the tile for this project and giving them as a housewarming present.
 Funny thing her assistant who is getting paid to help make tiles is my wife. So Allessandra is paying my wife to make tiles that she is then going to give to me.
  Small towns eh?

good samaritan?

I was driving to Taos to shoe some horses when I saw a broke down vehicle with a person waiting for help. After a brief struggle between helping somebody in need and being on time I slowed to pull a U turn and see if I could help. As I pulled over the driver behind slowed in time and stopped to help. As I pulled back on to the road I had one of those little irrational thought/feelings that make me laugh at myself. " I hope they notice that I pulled over" Do I get karma credit for almost helping? Why did I think that person would even know who I was.  Well at least if they noticed that not only one but two persons slowed to help they may have a littl bump in faith in fellow humans.
 Of course the pessimist would say that the other "good samaritan" was more likely a serial killer looking for their next victim

skull

Being an unorganized person I never know where or when I will be working. This is a little upsetting to my clients. Nobody wants to sit waiting for the cable.. uh farrier. Now my friend says that I need to explain what a farrier is. I of course informed her that if you do not know what a farrier is you probably do not need one.
Wait.. I have had issues with persons not understanding me because they do not have mind reading abilities like my brother Joe and my friend Kevin Cheek. With either of these people I will say something like"that rock uhm ..." And either one of them will say yup we need to do something about it. So my friends complain because what rock where when? When I go back and read my posts it seems like 1/2  or maybe 1/3  of my vastly entertaining and interesting thought made it onto the paper..er into the computer which seems like a person a rather rude and uncooperative person.    Anyway I am making an effort to turn thoughts into words. So this has led to a little leakage of the inside words into the outside world. Also looking back at this blog maybe the cryptic version is better.
  Obviously not joking about unorganized. What was I talking about? Oh yeah mindreading. difficult for us who sort read each other change to talk only. Plus I learned to ignore body language because(my theory) I grew up around body language liars which is very unusual and confusing.
  Speaking of add I was attracted to an article whose headline was "Are men attracted to dumb women?" Interesting, I thought. The article started talking about science and how questionaires work and  controls and all others sort of info. Some of which i already knew. I got bored and distracted and irritable did not finish the article. Funny thing is that men looking for hookup look for dumb drunk or aggressive (easy) while men looking for relationship seem to look for smart stable confident. Funny. 10 minutes of reading to learn what I already knew because I could not resist dumb and women in the same sentence. Oh well time for some more spiritual growth and soul searching.
 Now as an ADD I would never read this whole blog. Maybe somebody out there has more staying power

S**t!!! I forgot all about the skull. Next time?

techno

So the other day I tried to turn the new android phone off. After a long search I found that you push the upper right hand corner of the phone, then you get a message asking"silent, airplane mode, or power off?" I f you have the temerity to press power off you get a nice message"Are you sure? Phone WILL shut down?"
  I guess it is not safe to wander around alone without the comfort of a powered up phone.
  Yesterday I did neglect my phone and the battery ran down and my young son and I were abandoned in the wilds of New Mexico for hours. We even had to surprise people by showing up in the flesh and talk to them in person. very awkward. When I finally got to a power source the android came back on without even a mention of where she had been or apology for leaving us on our own for so long.

long run

When I go for a run I like to pretend I am am going on an adventure. So yesterday feeling tired and sore i figured to go for a little 20 30 minute run I saw a little side arroyo and went up a ways. I wandered and wondered till 3 hours later i ended up at the lone butte, which I had intended climbing before I leave this house. So of course I had to climb it. 13 miles later I finally made it home safe after my made up adventure.

old!

I remember hopping up on a whim and sprinting out the door for a 2 t0 12 mile run with no warm-up trepidation(except for fear of ghost racer)  hopping over bushes fences and whatever obstacles. I could eat a large meal or drink a half gallon of water with no ill effects.

Now I shuffle out the door and wheeze along with aches and pains and aching lungs for 20 minutes or 1/2 a mile before I finally start to feel a little better and if I get sore it seems to take forever to recover. time for some HGH!

ouch

So I had a couple of great runs during which I could pretend to be getting fit. Then I got sore. Still sore I guess from outrunning my mild state of middle aged fitness I dropped the kids off with Mom after ten days and drove home feeling tired and lethargic. I forced myself to stop and try to find a pair of shoes that fit and came home early to sit and vegetate.
   at 7 I finally get up to go on a 2 mile jog so I can feel puritanically moral. the wind is 30 mph in my face and my feet and my knees hurt. inhaling dust and now my lungs hurt. I sure will be glad when I warm up in 20 minutes, of course by then I will be back home.
20 minutes later I still feel just as bad but I notice a new trail that I have not run before,"Wonder where that goes" " Hey look an old road I'll just follow that for a  few minutes then turn around.
Everything including my feet still hurts,but if I just go to the end of this road and turn left I will hit a new arroyo and I can head upstream then head home.
2 hours later with not one single comfortable step I am home; A good puritan! Then I crack open a beer.

ghosts

My old ghost runner visited the other day while I was out on a run. He/she invited me to race for the first time in  20 or more years. It is a scary proposition because somewhere deep down I  still believe that if I accept the challenge, losing means death. I had never previously been conscious of the right to refuse the challenge. That day I did refuse and lived to run another day.
  The next Friday I was a mile from home and thinking how a follow and kick racer would run this 4 mile arroyo and road race. I had it all planned out. I knew my opponent was faster than me but maybe not quite as tough, so I would follow until I was at least one yards before the point where any sane finish kick racer would start their kick. At that point I would pass and leave the opponent in surprise and build enough of a laed to hold them off after I ran out of atp. All theoretical of course as I was in an empty arroyo where no right minded roadracer would be caught risking their rep.
 I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a ghostly voice.... "think you can do it?" I nodded happily at my imagined friend. "Of course... no problemo" . "Willing to bet your life on it?" My old frenemy was back again. I felt the old familiar tickle of fear and felt like walking, but it was too late!! The gauntlet had been thrown!

I followed my ghostly enemy down the arroyo through the fence and around the corner. Exactly as I had planned (in theory) I sprinted past my surreal opponent with 3/8s of a mile to go and left him frozen in surprise. By the time he recovered I had slipped around the bend and was on the short steep climb out of the arroyo where I took my scheduled slow down right before the down hill on the dirt road 440 yards to go. My breathed rasped in my throat and my legs began to go numb as I pushed on last effort to create an insurmountable lead. At the bottom of the hill I knew I had not done enough and I was done. The involuntary F**k with the realization that I was at lactic acid and hypoxic limits same as in the ninth grade in the 440 as I ran out of steam and the school for the deaf won districts by 2 points. Up the final hill with my ghost (death) closing in. I heard him thinking I finally got you but somehow the legs kept going and I touched the finish felt that feeling of complete exhaustion mixed with elation that comes with survival.

racing the ghost

When I was young and would do night runs cross country out in the Caja Del Rio just north of Santa Fe I would sometimes get this feeling of exhilaration mixed with fear and on the return trip I could feel the spirit of my previous runs on my shoulder. I knew that I had to beat him home or I would die. Those were some of the hardest and , I am sure fastest, runs of my life. I would touch the safety icon and know I had spent the last of my energy. The feeling of victory was just as strong as any official race I ever ran. Over the 2to3 years that this lasted I had maybe 20 of these experiences. I wonder what would have happened if I lost? Was it a true feeling. Did I lose and never find out? Who was the ghost?
  Funny thing, now in most video races you can race your own ghost,but you do not die if you lose. Jaime

technology?

1979 I was a freshman in high school, the big thing among the smart kids was computers, some sort of newfangled fancy calculator. Some company was selling kits with which you could build your own. All you had to do was learn a language. I believe it was basic, or was it fortran? Anyway after several mildly frustrating hours I lost interest and went back to a novel called "the river why" . So while Greg and John and Kevin and others were building HAL and playing chess I ignored computers and I may have hurt their feelings because to this day they are still rude to me.
  A friend of mine is almost jealous of SIRI(?) her husband always asks nicely and says thank you. SIRI's response?? Just doing my job Bill.

roads?

On my way from horseshoeing in Nambe to pick up kids at school. I have half an hour to spend before I need to get there.Maybe there is an arroyo around here that would be interesting. Nothing... nothing... oh well, I guess it won't kill me to park by the school and run on the road. Although the toxic fumes and New Mexico drivers make it a less than appealing prospect. Maybe by the flea market yup there it is a little hiddn arroyo that nobody ever even thinks about. change into swimming trunks and running shoes slide down a small cliff into a narrow steep and deep arroyo. The calming sound of distant traffic relaxes me and I see a little path around a fence. On the little path are deer tracks. big ones, medium ones and tiny ones. Do deer travel in families? Goldilocks and the 3 deer?
I am breaking the cardinal rule of unfit runners by starting out going down(which means I finish uphill) I run till I hit a little river that smells sewery then another 10 minutes then I turn to head back uphill. Goodbye deer family. As usual late to pick up the kids.

distractions

I started out yesterday thinking that I was going to write about running up an unknown arroyo by the Sandia mountains. As usual I was distracted by something. I do not remember what it was, anyway as I was running up this totally unknown(to me) arroyo I started feeling this sharp pain in my foot like a goathead(we call them Toros) sticker had gotten into my shoe. I am always conversing with myself and in this case I was arguing over the toughness doctrine and the discretion is the better part of valor doctrine. The basic premise of toughness is simple "never stop never give up never show weakness" It has always seemed to me to lack a little in the commonsense department. However,I had found it a very useful tool in surviving a very confusing and manipulated childhood so I am not averse to using it as an operational theory.  In this case I am listening to the body and considering practicing toughness and ignoring the sensation and balancing this against the cause and long term of whatever is causing the pain. Since I was not running for my life and had an interest in not taking days off from running and the pain sensation felt not familiar I decided to use my frontal lobes and stop to remove the offending object from my shoe. When I removed the shoe there was nothing but sand. Generally in this type of situation I would just put the shoe on, but as usual in cases where things do not add up they did add up and as our minds are wont to do mine kept insisting that there was more to this case of mild stabbing sensation in the shoe so I took the extra few seconds to check the sole of the shoe and found a cactus pod embedded in the sole. I could not believe that it could pierce an in of sole but it had. I do not understand how it was in such a position that one of the spines would be upright and not bend or fall over when I stepped on it but there it was ,,another reminder to me to listen to that little voice(s) in your hea

burque

I was over at a friends house the other day and I was introduced to "things Burquenos say" All I remember was that the college age woman was attractive and "Ombers" which I had not heard since Agua Fria elementary school. So today I went down to Burque (something us Santa fenos usually only do under threat or to go to the airport.) We actually have an airport in Santa Fe but only people who can afford their own planes go there. Anyway it was a short day so I decided to hang with my high school friend who lives in Burque and claims to be a santa feno even though he did not move here until he was six. I told him about Burquenos and of course his son knows the star.He did refuse to introduce me. Oh well . To this day I do not know the origination of ombers which is something w would say when somebody did something that could get them in trouble.
   We laughed and remembered only the good parts of high school and talked about R A Lafferty ( a catholic who wrote science fiction) He took me to a fast food joint that served real beef with plastic buns and velveeta. On the drive to the food place I saw something that I never thought I would see in my life, a gated community full of mobile homes. Every other gated community I have seen has been specifically designed to keep mobile homes and those of us with the lack of moral fiber that would even consider mobile homes OUT. I could not help but wonder who the mobile home park was trying to keep out. Trailer trash?   Naw maybe it is all those evil banskters I keep hearing about.....
       
  

Iconclast? continued

The ideal of being different is very important in American mythology. The different one always saves the day from the Reacher novels to Travis Mcgee from Dirty Harry to the Duke and Shane we love the Iconic "other". In life we seem to all want to think the same in a different dress. Everyone has been around the tragedy of matching dresses. However if anybody dares to think differently from the group we as a group seem to get very upset and can even become violent.
So the illusion of otherness is very important and the reality of otherness is very scary.  We hang the witches and sorcerers while we worship the very attributes which caused our fear.

Thus continues the dance between fear and curiosity which creates what we call progress. The changing state of self awareness and knowledge of the universe we lived in balanced with the constants of human nature and unchanging natural laws. Act too quickly on new information or ideas and risk falling out of balance with natural law. resist change too much and get left behind by the ever-[changing conditions of existence

Creative language

The othr day I was home with Ben,Soren and our friends kids Spencer and Liam. There were out in the back yard playing with the Hose I saw that Liam was turning red where I had not gotten the sunscreen. As I was walking out to catch him and apply sunscreen his dad called as I was answering the phone I stepped down on a board with very sharp rusty nails sticking out of it.I barely managed to communicate that no I was (probably) not dying and that I could keep the kids till 5. Then as the pain got worse and I tried to remove the board I started cursing as Ben was asking what happened. between G*d*m and sonova... mfer  to show him the board and nails and use up a few minutes up a few minutes. After the ninth or ten repitition of sonova... Ben said Daddy you already said that. What could I say? I mfing know that G*d*mit. I guess I better brush up on my language skills.

moonlit run or goodbye

For th first time in 20 years I am running in the dark. Not quite because of the full moon. I am reminded of the olden days when I would strike out from the house on Agua Fria street into the Caja Del Rio across the Santa F river and through the territory of La Llorona. I could tell when she or her fellows were near when the hair on the back of my neck would rise in a primeval response to extrasensory threat. Boy was I fast then. I would run until exhaustion then turn for the hard run home. I would challenge myself to keep ahead of my ghost with a real sense that if I was caughr by myself I would die. I would run faster and faster until there WAS no speed left and then I would hold on for the eternity of the imaginary finish at the river or the road. I would drag myself the last few yards home cook a 2lb bag of spaghetti dump a can of tuna and a block of cheese on it. drink a gallon of watered down cranberry juice and sleep the sleep of the just. (or the just damn tired)
 I remember distinctly the day(night) that I lost my hometown. 4 miles out at midnight and I turn for home. Something is terribly wrong . I cannot see the ground in front of me because I am blinded by lights. It had crept up on me like the fog had crept up on those poor Los Angelinos in California. I had to try to saty on the road because of the loss of night vision.
After that night I took to wearing a hat. If the hat was at just the right angle it would block the lights of the...City.
The magic was gone though. I no longer communed with La Llorona and her ilk and one night I ran into a 4 foot high cholla. I ran home on adrenalin could not  work for a few days and within a few weeks I said goodbye forever to the Caja without knowing it.

empathy

During spring break the boys and I were invited to join a trip to the Albuquerque zoo. Friday afternoon we headed down to join the group. When we got there we discovered to my horror that everybody else in New Mexico had the same idea. After a mild panic attack(real men don't experience this) I made an executive decision and we bagged the zoo trip.
  The boys were disappointed so I decided to take them to lunch and a movie. We came back to Santa Fe and hit the Plaza Bakery by the new theatre on the west side. I ordered breakfast and the boys ordered chips. When the bacon and pancakes came Soren decided he wanted bacon and took all of mine. Ben was working on his chips and Guacamole, he looked up and said "Wow I love pancakes with syrup!" We all set to serious eating for 2-3 minutes. Soren (Who is 5) said "Hey Daddy you could give Ben some of your pancakes." I was surprised and felt a little embarrassed that a 5 year old would be paying more attention to subtleties than I. Needless to say when I asked Ben if he would indeed like pancakes right now the answer was affirmative.
 I handed over some pancake and we all happily had lunch and went to see The Lorax.

Iconclast?

I have a need to be different. To be accurate, I have a need for the illusion of being different. A subtle but important difference. The fact that there are 7 billion humans on planet Earth makes it highly unlikely that there is no one similar. Until the news came out the population was approaching 7 billion I was under the misapprehension that  there were already 8 billion. Anyway back to the subject matter of being unique, or how to maintain the illusion. The point being that I cannot realistically claim to have unique properties, but I can pretend the same
   I have always thought of myself as a runner. In grade school a matter of survival and in later school an identity an emotional life-preserver if you will(where does that phrase come from?). During the secondary years I held on to a semblance of sanity through being a vital part of the "Animal" relay on my high school track team. During basketball season(I did not participate because I could not organize rides home from practice. I would go out in empty land across from my home and run in the dark. Nobody but the coyotes and rabbits to keep me company.  Out of time more later

why 2

I never did figure out even why I run much less why others run although I have read that we have an epidemic of competitive running especially in the young in the USA. I will continue to look into it.
Right now I am headed out the door for another run

why

Why do we run? A simple question. except that it is not.
Humans run to catch food right? That is the theory and or story that I have always heard. Wolves and humans evolved to jog all day and thereby wear out catch and eat a most efficient source or energy. Other animals.
 there no longer seems to be a need for us to chase down horses Mammoths or Buffaloes. So many humans do not run.
Most people claim now to run for fun or fitness. For some reason I do not think that these are the primary reasons for our self imposed forced exercise. I Will pretend to some insight into why all those other poor ignorant souls actually run,but first i will to a feeble stab at self knowledge. Why do I run? I have been told that I will live longer. I sometimes actually feel good while running but it seems to me that mainly I run because it reminds me of the good part of using track and field as psychological survival during what some may call a difficult childhood. The years I spent competing in the horse world I thought I should be running but I never did. I could claim that it was an exhausting lifestyle, but I can also admit that I mat have a psychological need for "competition" I use quotes because I jog or run in the arroyos and on the trail and only compete against or run with the ghosts in my own past.  more later

peacemakers?

I have 3 dogs who are all friendly peaceful animals. Lately I have noticed a pattern> The oldest dog has become a little aggressive towards strange dogs. Today we were all out walking and the neighbors big dog and my dog were growling and circling each other. My young dog went and got between them much like much like a person trying to get two angry people to calm down. It worked. I am curious as to why he broke up the budding conflict and how his actions worked. It seems very similar to primate actions. Is he making peace so h wont have to fight? is he being altruistic? I look forward to seeing more such interactions

careers

Soren who is 5 years old often sings to himself and it sounds very good to me(although Tone deaf is an understatement)
This morning he is singing about Santa Claus. I ask him if he wants to be a singer when he grows up. He says no.
Well what do you want to do when you grow up.
   "Play"
"well singing is playing"
"Not that kind of singing. I am going to play with toys"

dementia?

So not only have I lost a molar(the dentist would not even let me bring it home for a funeral) I have been so bothered by sports talk radio that I sent them an e-mail questioning their integrity. Well I am hoping that it is the hydrocone that I am taking to deal with the pain from the dentist. Older persons may remember Laurence Olivier from Marathon Man treating Dustin Hoffman for memory loss. Certainly I cannot explain such an action as taking sports talk radio seriously otherwise. I do have to say though that in general sports talk seems smarter and more honest than political talk radio. Well I try to keep most of this commentary in the other blog.

desperation

Murphy's first law "There is never enough time to do it right.
Of cours my version is always "If i can just sort of finish today. I came come back at some indeterminate time in the future and fix all the little parts that I do not have time to get right today. Of course what seems to happn is whatever the project is stays half **sed for the rest of it's shelf life
 Ah well if something is worth doing it is worth doing half *ssed( I like the one * better but I don't haave timee too prooof red tonit. thres alwsy tommmroo
I have a problem with Murphy. He is always chattering in my ear and distracting me. If only he would shut up and let me think there would be enough time to do the things I want to do.
  Seriously. Even with this Blog all I can think about is how to post quickly so it does not get lost or something. Fear of not getting it done is my bugaboo speaking of which I GOTTA Go

The tooth

I had not b to the dentist in a few years so when I  saw the ad for a $39 checkup I decided to go  in. It being a small world and all the receptionist was my nieces best friend so we chatted for a while about family, bad marriages and whatnot. When I finally get called to the back the dentist does the cleaning himself. When I complain of cold sensitivity he advises flouride coating and also tells me I need a crown because I have a cracked molar. No wonder I chew only on the right side. When I go in two weeks later the tooth is all cracked up. After the crown the pain is nearly intolerable. I go in for bite adjustments and the dentist tells me we are going to have to replace the crown. Turns out the tooth is all broken up and has to be removed. Also turns out to be infected. Now I need a replacement. The dentist is surprised that the tooth had not been hurting before treatment started. I think that the complaints were drowned out by the neck pain the arthritic finger and the back pain. WELCOME TO MIDDLE AGE

easy

Finally a nice easy run that felt nice and easy

frozen

Up all night (well 11 till 3) with coughing kid. 6:50 help dress kids for school 7:10 no coffee in house. Feel like c$$p. jog or hot bath? fill bath star laundry read a little. Will feel better if I run. Allright find shoes swim trunks and sweat top whoa it is f$$cking freezing. Very loud voice in my head saying turn around, go home.  into the arroyo wildlife trail rabbit tracks, coyote too. Complete silence except for me. Ten minutes before any relief from cold and stiffness. 25 minutes and back to the house. I do feel a little better.

love

Soren go tell mommy you love her
I already told her a hundred times
you need to tell her 101 times
heavy sigh "okaay"

"Mommy I love you"

God

dad "Good night everyone" Ben "Good night everyone one this side of the world where it is night"  Soren "Good night everyone on both sides of the world where it is night and where it is day"
Dad "thank you universe for letting us exist"
Ben "Did God make us?"
Dad" I don't think so"
Ben " So we just think he made us?"
Dad " Some people think God made us, but I don't. You can think so if you want to"
Ben " Well how did we get here?"
Dad" first first there was nothing then a big bang then we just sort of developed"
Ben "I know God made us because well who would.
 Soren" God made us??"
Ben "Yes he made himself out of nothing then he made us."
Dad "God might be a girl."
Ben "God is a boys name so I am pretty sure he's a boy
Dad to myself "I hope I remember this in the morning."

real running

work is cancelled due to inclement get out the heart rate monitor and the trunks head out to the arroyo to run. Cold sleet and ice melting. The turn from road to arroyo hard fall it hurts because of the cold and not being warmed up. Why did I not break something? Luck? fitness? hard bones? now into 3 inch mud with ice underneath muddy shoes sticking then sliding cold legs scratched by burrs melting snow creates a small creek shoes are clean again. 40 minutes later home safe and sound

guitar george

Wednesday morning I drop my truck off for an oil change and fuel filter change(diesel engine) The shop said they would give me a ride to my appointment. The driver does not show up so I get to sit and chat (my favorite activity after the unmentionable and reading) for 20 minutes waiting for the taxi.
The male nurse waiting with is talking about not wanting to be in management because he expects everybody to be competent and do their best..
the taxi comes and the driver takes many wrong turns and I hear my companion huffing under his breath as we chat about the pros and cons of taxi driving and the issues around veterans mental health and post traumatic stress disorder. He works at veterans psych ward and my stepfather was in Vietnam. Any way w get to my stop and I tip the driver(no way is her incompetent driving getting a tip from him)
I finish my business and the auto shop calls. My truck is finished they do not have a ride for me and the vehicle has miraculously developed a flat. I figure 4 mile walk back to the shop will not only make up for not running for the last 10 days(I lost my mileage keeper tracker of(er) and give the shop a chance a chance to fix the flat. As I walk down St. Michael's drive a fellow flags me down. Apparently HE wants to chat as we walk
He starts telling me his story of rehab and the hospital and getting picked of for drunk and disorderly. After a few minutes he looks closely and says "You are not Guitar George? " I answer truthfully that I am indeed not Guitar George. He nods,we introduce ourselvs and Chris continues his adventures with cops and fights and unsuccessful romance(don't ask) as if I was indeed his long lost buddy. At one point I ask Chris what Guitar George does. DUH Guitar George plays the guitar.  Anyway we become best friends we grew up in the same neighborhood and are the same age. Chris asks me to walk with him from rehab to the new program at the old Pete's pet. We do not quite make it because i lent him(gave) money and he bought vodka. He decides to wait till tomorrow to check out the new program and i get ride to the shop and hang out for another hour reminiscing about alcholic childhoods with the receptionists the owner comes in and lets me know that  I brought the truck in with a flat and I only have to pay $95 for a new tire

christmas day run

On christmas day I st out to run on the treadmill while watching tv. The treadmill was making a horrible noise so I threw on some shorts and headed out the door for an arroyo. I headed down the dead end road towards the arroyo to my surprise I had to let a car go by, can't get away from them anywhere! At the end of the road a small trail heads down to the arroyo. The snow is about 4" deep and freezes my feet and bare legs.
         some coyote tracks lead me to the bottom and I head upstream. There are now not even tracks and it is silent, only the sound of my breathing and the noise in my head. My feet slowly adjust to the cold as they do and I slow down because of the snow and my breathing is quiet. I run for 20 or 30 minutes thinking heavy thoughts and chugging up the arroyo I get to the road where the arroyo begins and rest for a minute before I head back down. My body grumbles a little at the renewed effort and the i am running easily. A surprising thing happens, my mind is quiet and I move over the snow with no sound even in my head. The landscape slides by without effort and I become less and less aware of myself. How do you describe this? At oneness? unity? peace? I guess I do not know. For a small window in time I am in this altered state.
I come to the barb wire fence that I have to climb through and this thing we call reality comes rushing back into my awareness like the tide. I realize that I am tired and that the remaining mile or so is going to be physically trying. Especially with the weight of reality of the world firmly on my shoulders again.
   I wish he had stayed home instead of waiting at the fence.

who am I?

I listen to sports talk radio a lot. Colin Cowherd is very smart.  One thing he said recently sticks with me. "A lot of success is knowing who you are".
   I have been thinking about that ever since. Who am I? It seems that I do not really know.
I am a non hispanic white male born in America. I survived a psychologically interesting childhood and believe that my sanity was saved by going to Santa Fe Prep school. I was not mature enough to stick to college.
  Since I dropped out of college I have coasted through life taking it day by day. Drifting on the sea of life going where the wind blew me. I have used no force to give my life direction whether financial or or moral. I have a nagging feeling that I was raised to be a social warrior and had no real interest in that. I have a deep interest in sports especially track but did not have the talent to run for a living or the mental ability to deal with using that interest to use that interest to keep interested in education.
Now I am a farrier which seems to fit me very well. It is a simple business in terms of paperwork and overhead. It is very demanding physically which is very valuable to me. I am around horses and interesting people all day. I make pretty good money and when I am not working I am not losing money. Most important I am my own boss. At 47 though I think that I have 13 or less years of full time shoeing and as a life drifter I am not invested in social security and have no savings. With young kids I think maybe I should be planning the next deal. Having spent my whole life just putting my head down and getting through the day I am struggling mightily with the idea that I can both get through the day and plan for the future and act on a plan.

to be continued