Sunday, April 7, 2013


There is an experience that some of us call shyness or social phobia, or as my sister said Nancy Zeng told her, just a lack of willpower.
 What is shyness. An experience? A feeling? A genetic issue? Emotional scar tissue? I guess that maybe all of these describe it.
  Friends and acquaintances are often surprised when I claim shyness. I am proud of that.
  I experience what I call shyness( from speaking with others who seem to have the same types of experience in relating to other humans) as a sort of a demon who lives in the back of my mind whispering to me and trying to control me. "you are not good enough?"  he whispers "You are bad " "You are dirty, weak and so on. As well as on the other side of the coin"Those people do not like you" "They are dangerous, snobby, better than you, worse than you .....and so on. Anything that this fearful(in both senses of the word )being or demon can think of to keep me from relating with other humans.
  So it is a daily battle with the Demons of our souls for us "shy" people to go out into the world and act like we are not terrified that our fellow humans are going to humiliate, ignore, and damage us physically. We must first fight the battle within in order to just look somebody in the eye or say hello.
  When somebody says to me "You do not seem shy to me?" with a question mark I am proud to have won the field on this day and stand proud on the field of inner universe with the flag raised high.

 Maybe I have been reading too much adventure fiction lately? I enjoyed composing this though.

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