Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Land of manana?

For some reason Santa was delayed so he is filling stockings tonight...
  Have to go somewhere for some sort of celebration.
kids have bath all clothes are well..
  Dad "Santa came early and left pajamas!" Kids are all excited! "Can we get socks too? Please? Please?"
Dad "OK". Boy  "YEA! YEA! YEA!"

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


I noticed these posts are getting shorter ans shorter again... Huh......


Gathering at my house.
 Worried about icy steps... Check them the easy way. Wham!!! Sitting on my butt. Guess they are slippery...

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

A REAL conspiracy!!

I got am email from my carrier a few days ago that they finally have the Iphone.

Now my phone android  is refusing to work...
  Email credo. Call us!! they say No phone... Thanks a lot.
  Borrow a friends fone. Your fone is dead dude!! Can't you turn it on remotely? They tell me no.. LIARS!
  Guess I should have called nsa. They want to sell me an iphone.. I am all like no way man. Buddy ike says to me that he likes his so now I get an iphone tomorrow....
  The big issue? Color...

Friday, December 13, 2013

Aaah, good old school

Ben is doing his homework.
  First issue while matching his spelling words to sentences.
"We are going to _______ the turkey."  Ben tells me there are no words that will fit. I point out the word carve.
  Now Ben thinks Dad is a little crazy, obviously trying to picture whittling a turkey?  Maybe imagining a poor live turkey...  So now I have to try to explain to a child who has never been at a official turkey carving... Now the poor boy is all mixed up
  I knew about cultural bias making the dominant culture look down on those ignorant peons, never experience it from the other side before...
 Lucky Dad is multicultural....
 Same night homework... Cathy uses 80 wrappers per necklace. She is making necklaces for herself and nine friends. How many wrappers?
  Soren and Dad 800. Ben 720. We correct Ben. He comes home the next day teacher marked the problem wrong. She claims 720...
  I say if a problem is too hard for teacher, it is too hard for 3rd grader...
Brings back awesome memories of Agua Fria Elementary..

Thursday, December 12, 2013

trails or roads

I wonder about these weird suicidal folks running on roads. They don't like treadmills because they are boring and won't run on trails because they might sprain. This morning driving into the sun after dropping the kids off at school and suddenly out of the sunrise haze a jogger running in the middle of the driving lane?!
  Trying to avoid ice, I suppose... Anyway lucky I was going 15 instead of the speed limit..
  I find this behavior puzzling in view of the fact that many claim to run "for their health"

Saturday, December 7, 2013


Little one in back seat.
  "Daddy Daddy Daddy...... SOOO cuddly!"

Friday, December 6, 2013

A good day

Out to jog in the snow. hopping over a barb wire fence maybe 15" high. Plant foot slips under bottom  as I take off. Lead foot goes between instead of over. Flapping arms as I feel the barb catch lead shoe.  
 I instantly know faceplant coming up, but while my conscious brain has already surrendered to the inevitable the old cat is planning my escape. Arms slow forward movement of torso while left leg advance forward under fence as right foot moves forward and down to disengage barb in shoe then pull back rapidly then up then forward to support weight as left foot shoots backwards away from wire then raises just high enough to clear the top wire.
  At least that is what I think happened because I did not land on my face... just kept going at my rapid rate of 15 minute miles

Friday, November 29, 2013

Che Annon? Maybe not...

I remember when I used to be a good cook. Well at least I used to think I was a good cook
  It seems my cooking abilities have faded along with my youthful good looks.
  Makes one wonder... Was it ever the cooking?....

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Presumption of agreement

I  remember a recent and detailed conversation regarding the use of presumptive agreement with a very intelligent person
  a few days later I brought it up as an established phrase and theory.
  The attractive female recent St. Johns College grad was not only unbelieving but actually a little upset.
  "I would have heard of it!" Ah how sweet were those days when I also knew everything. How bittersweet the memory of youth and arrogance.
  She did mutter something unflattering under her breath. Being young she did not say it out loud.
  Anyway I can find nothing on the internet.
  This morning I woke up with the clear recollection of the conversation with my Mom.
   She has been gone these 7 years..... No wonder smart pretty 20 something had never heard of it
Hmm. This post seems to glance over several subjects with only a fun little touch. I am seeing somebody, Maybe Olivia , helping me with a strange poem story thingy in the near future

Monday, November 25, 2013

How to lose weight of the holidays!

Huh? Am I missing the point of the holidays?
  I thought eat,drink, and be merry!
 Not going for the "Eat celery sticks and go to the gym..."
Aren't we all supposed to be ok with our weight?
  Oh I forgot. We have to be ok with what others weigh but must each punish ourselves for imagined crimes against the gods of diet..

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Morning "run"

Woke up in the middle of the night with plans... Bright outside.Weird
  Get up early to go jog (Alone  because my voices are all quiet)  beautiful silent run.
Stop and look from the top of the world. tears of joy....

Saturday, November 23, 2013

These are my good old days...

Went to work with my good friend today.
  We work hard then drive to a new spot and chat about any random thing that pops into our heads.
   A client brought us coffee.... The first thing that pops into my head is cat poop coffee.

My buddy was horrified at the thought. He had never heard of such a thing.
 As a pretty conservative fellow he decided that it had to be one of my people(liberals) who thought up such a crazy thing.
  After a few minutes of thought I realized that this is true. No self respecting conservative would consider such a radical change as that!
  I mean look at the thought process one would have to go though to get from coffee to cat poop to coffee again!
"Man I love coffee!" Hey look that tree cat is eating coffee beans!   Hmmm.... Wonder how those beans will taste after he poops them out?" "Hey Jim look at this cat poop!" "Looks delicious Bill, a little rinsing and i bet that coffee will be a lot sweeter than straight off the tree!"
  "Well let's get right on it dude!"
  The other guys "Man I love coffee!  Hey look that tree cat is eating my coffee beans!  Jim get the .22 the @#@#@%$ is stealing our coffee!"
   I have not laughed so hard as I did today in 20 years... and I was getting paid!!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

eether or eyether

little things that bother random minds. A fun tv show where the characters say eyether and a lot.I finally get used to it and the main character slips in an eether.

Friday, November 15, 2013


I banged my sternum a month ago and it was pretty, well very painful for a while.
 For some reason I have no NSAIDs in the house so I sort of just lived with the pain.
  I kept forgetting to pick up alleve or whatever at the store.
 My vehicle was in the shop this whole time... When I got it back Tuesday I found some Alleve in the door.
  It was a pain free day!

Thursday, November 14, 2013


Ben pickd up a brownie at La Montanita co-op the other day. I later found it uneaten on the table
 Now why would a kid not eat a brownie? I took a big bite.... Gluten free sugar and dairy free... Not so tasty.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


Dad. "Don't lie to parents 'cause they always find out."
 Ben, "Until they are 50. Then their memory starts to go. You have one more year before you start forgetting."
  Soren, Daddy is going to stay smart till he is 80!"  Worried voice, "Right Daddy?"

Ben and teasing

Ben has been having trouble being teased at school for a couple of weeks.
 Yesterday three of his friends ganged up on him while playing four square. Harassing him every time he got "out". Very stressful and he was obviously starting to retreat.
  Today his story started out worse as the group bugged him constantly.
  As far as I can tell he somehow turned things around and got more focused and went after the ringleaders and got them all out before recess was over...

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Quiet time?

Two runs in a row with no company, just me.... Some people talk about being lonely. I never understood what they were talking about.....


Over the last 3 weeks I have learned the invaluable art of snuffing out a sneeze...
  today I forgot and got a good hearty sneeze in. Guess the damn chest is not healed yet. felt like a horse kicked me...


SO the blue truck... Well it had a bad cam sensor and a bad ICP sensor.
 Ernie had Sean fixed those no luck.. Then they got a p1208 code that they had to look up.  No oil pressure in the fuel injection system. apparently these trucks use a separate oil pump to pressurize the diesel.
 Then they ran out of time and Ernie's truck quit in Hobbs when he was taking his daughter to college
  Sean watched a few videos to check and make sure it was not one of the dozens of other things that never go wrong nut are much cheaper to fix. finally they tried to save me money by getting a secondary market high pressure oil pump. It did not fit. Luckily, I think.
  finally the truck was ready

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


Usually when I run there is a lot of arguing confusion and chatter
  Today was unusually quiet
 I wonder where all of me were...

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Car deals

So the old blue truck just quit one day... I had been told by two different mechanics over a period of a year that maybe it was time for a new vehicle.
  I was hoping to get one more year at 280,000 miles.
The 2 boys and and I luckily coasted into the parking lot of the gas station on the corner of  Siler and Agua Fria streets. I called my buddy Tommy who had just told me not to spend the $700 for all new fluids and new fuel filter. "I don't work on diesels Annon." He gave me the number of Lee the tow truck guy and Ernie Clark who works on fleets.
  My buddy Tommy had told me that the new Chevy with the 5.3 litre engine was the best, I of course wanted what Ben's Nana calls a toaster. The Honda Element. So the boys and I drove the really cool(until we got it and destroyed it) 2001 golf (4 door hatchback and apparently NOT 4X4) to the Honda dealer. Naturally they no longer make the goshdarn thing.. On they way out we cruised into the Chevy dealer and they just happened to have sitting on the lot all by itself a used longbed with seating for 6. i cruised and signed a bunch of papers and convinced myself I needed the $2800 extended warranty.  Poor salesman had to drive the golf to my house.
  Of course it turns out the toaster is not the element but something called the scion. As usual attention to detail...
  I put all the tools in and a camper top on the white truck and it started shifting funny. I drove by the dealer and the little service manager told me they would not look at it without and appointment...
 Meanwhile the old truck is still in intensive care and Ernie Clark keeps telling me manana...
 So I am happily driving the truck with satellite radio and thinking I will just leave the blue truck behind.
  One day out of the blue I get a phone call from Ernie that I ow him $2,648.  OUCH! I go down and give my right arm... The blue truck is rejuvenated! Better than it has been in years!
  The new used white truck changes gears a little funny, actually it did not want to shift out of 4 wheel drive.
 I took it down to (I  know, never change tenses mid narrative...) the dealer and the nice guy up front took me back to the service area where a grumpy little stiltksin tried to refuse to look at it. I finally got him to pretend to look.. He said it was fine.
 Fast forward to first oil change. First let me say that these new vehicles seem to gt a little upset about neglect of any sort...
  The truck goes to the dealer and the say yup it does not change gears correctly and that will cost you... Right there I interrupted and told him I had bought that stupid $3,000.00 warranty. Poor guy.
  So they give me a ride home and I call every day for 11 days, while driving the rejuvenated Ford..
  Finally they call me and I ask them to come get me. Of course the ride guy cannot find my house... Finally pickup the truck and drive off.
 The next day I pull out in front of somebody and floor it to avoid inconveniencing them and the truck is stuck in first gear. The dealer says I can bring the truck in Monday...
  I drop the truck off and they offer me a ride home. I tell them I need a loaner.. So brand new four door 4 wheel drive 3/4 ton Silverado? Yup!
  So now the boys and I are cruising around in our brand new truck impressing all the girls while the dealer fights with the warranty company over  vehicle repair on a truck that has 70,000 miles on it.  

  to be continued

Monday, October 28, 2013

You know the economy is bad when...

People are so broke they have to shoplift the crap Walmart sells....
  Woke up turned on am radio(I know white trash radio) to hear Santa Fe local news that Walmart is th popular place to shoplift
  They then said that the cops said drug addiction leads to most shoplifting.... Interesting that this was part of the story.

A little fine whine goes a long way

10 days ago I bruised my sternum and have felt pretty tough about how I have handled the pain
  A few mornings with the morning hack did have me living in real fear of the next cough....
I have been sleeping very still, which has actually been helpful. Although if I forget I wake up very whiny and it takes w while to get back to sleep...
  The worst was the sneezing fit while driving....
   Anyway chatting with my client and he started reminiscing about heart surgery... Then yesterday listening to our group read of Othello with my foster parents . John is 2 weeks out from reconstructive back surgery...
  For a few hours my chest seemed to not hurt so much....
 Life is funny, for 12 days I have awoken in terror of a sneeze or cough. After a little while you start to think the pain will never go away.... This morning it just hurts when I cough... I picture a bunch of roughnecks in hard hats hauling away busted cartilage and ligaments and bringing in bunches of organic super glue with their hard hats,sexist remarks and beer for lunch... Anyway they seem awfully slow but something is happening...

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Somebody up there likes me..

Went to a party last night...
 Woke up a 5:30 with what I will euphemistically name a headache. Coco nut milk coffee stretching ho bath.. Still gotta go shoe those darn horses. Of course the morning cough is torturing my bruised sternum..
  On the way out the door and My client calls. It is too muddy to work!
  Dang! Back to nursing my "headache"
 A little later my buddy call and wants to come hang out. Well alright.... Even though I have a han ..headache
  He shows up with menudo! The ultimate han.. headache cure. Off to church tomorrow!

Friday, October 18, 2013


MY old coach invited me for a run... Let's meet at the mailboxes... Of course I thought he meant my mailbox...for some reason he was not there....
  Being naturally aware of me and not fully aware of the surrounding world...
  I saw some guy jogging in circles a couple hundred  yards away by the fire station next to a bunch of those unamerican group mailboxes.... It still took a few seconds to translate.


Got these new glasses with progressive readers...
Went for a "run" so put on contacts...
  The glasses lady warned me to watch stairs and such with new glasses... no problem.
At end of day up and down hill moving tools in the dusk. "running"  up hill step on round rock and go flying.
 For a few seconds I cannot even figure out what happened....
  Apparently I hit my head well first headlamp then cap on sharp corner of tailgate slid up an semi impaled myself on the corner. Now sore head sore tooth and VERY sore sternum....
Maybe it is easier to adjust to "readers" than the other way around....
 Back to glasses today.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

weird things

Perfumed trash bags? Maybe I will meet a cute girl at the dump and she won't like the manly smell of garbage....


Too tired to post... Not too tired to argue online...

Thursday, October 10, 2013

rules are for a reason

I recently broke one of my ironclad rules...
  In my defense it was not entirely my fault.  My friend the mechanic refused to work on my airconditioner.
  Anyway I heard an advertisement(Always a great source for accurate and complete information) claiming I could go right down to my friendly Autozone and fix it myself.
 $80 later I was all set... Until I read the directions.. The little gauge was not reading what they said I would.
I have learned a tiny bit from experience. I called my friend, he relented.
  He opened the hood and plugged the AC back in.....
If only I could find the receipt!
 Anybody need $80 of environmentally friendly refrigerant?

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Oh yeah the tragedy

Actually trying for some real composition just caused work stoppage...
  So A Kangaroo rat finds a a beautiful new home in a broad expanse of blue... crinkly stuff and moves his or her family in
  Everything is great until suddenly the whole expanse begins moving and shaking and half of the family is lost...
 When things settle down the rat goes looking for the family. It is in a strange new land with lots of nooks and crannies. Finally giving up she heads home to find it gone.
 Trapped in a strange new world like robinson carusoe...

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

the long way

broke down car . pick up passenger drop him off at his house. he tells me a scenic route home...

Two ours later lost in the middle of nowhere.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

I wish I had thought of this.

Last time I had the kids 6 wake up was pre-dawn. This week we got alarm clocks. That's right plural. Big Ben for Ben and some crazy ninja cuckoo for Soren.
  Ben set his for 5 so hw can watch tv.... Then it broke.
  So last night working till forever kids asleep by 10:30.
  6am horrible noise from kids room. Soren " Daddy, my alarum is broken, it wants me to get up in the middle of the night!"
 Daddy, "Bring it here. What time is it?" Looking for phone clock lovely assistant
    Soren brings clock.
 The damn thing says it is 6 am even thought it is pitch dark outside. It must be broken... Daddy finally finds phone... 6:02 am phone starts making noises.. "daddy and Soren #$%$&%^&(%*$
   Luckily the bus was 10 mintues late

Long day

drop boys off at 7:30 shoe horses like crazy, dentist pick up kids shoe horses make horse shoes home at 10...

Monday, September 2, 2013


My mortgage company "forgot" to pay my property taxes. The odd thing is that I actually go a letter of apology!
   On the other hand if you make your regular payments early you are still charged full interest as if the payment was on time.....

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Good Coffee?

I started drinking coffee about ten years ago and until today I never made a good cup.
either my taste buds are dead or I actually made good coffee

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Free time...

No work scheduled for today or tomorrow.. Really weird. 10 o clock just sitting around the (messy) house....What to do... what to do....

Friday, August 23, 2013

A REAL nightmare

I was tossing and turning all night in the grips of that evil demon insomnia..... Then I woke up?!?!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


So I went to my nice friendly Credit Union to get a loan for a new car.
 Nice friendly Loretta took one look at me and started jumping me through a bunch of flaming hoops.
   I rebelled and went to the dealer and got a loan from....... another credit union that did not even know me(Del Norte)
  Of course I am now hurt because obviously Loretta must have not liked my pretty face.

Talking to a friend about my hurt feelings. She could not get a car loan from her nice little credit union. (del norte)  So she had to go get the dealer to get her a loan from some other credit union.......

Familiarity does breed contempt?!?!

Friday, August 16, 2013

Wage slave

the collar around the neck of mortgage hell has been exacerbated by ankle chains of truck payments and stress of vehicular end of life arrangements

Monday, August 5, 2013


Impulsively traded milk goat for horseshoeing. Brought goat home worried about dogs hurting her. No problem.Only problem is that the goat decided she was a dog and the young dog taught her how to use the dog door.
  Goat not potty trained.....

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Some dude got up early made coffee, cleaned the bathroom put clothes away swept and vacuumed. After that I was sure I was not myself. Looked in the mirror and sure enough it was some other dude

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


Had some puppies dumped on me at Xmas....
  They were horrible! pooped in the house ate power cables killed chickens destroyed anything in their path.
 I was constantly yelling at the little buggers.
  I did finally take two to the pound.
 I then noticed that my old dog was acting scared of me,which was irritating, so he got more scared. This guy has never been yelled at in the 12 years since he moved in with me, so it really bugged me. That bugged him.
  Two weeks ago I decided to actually take the two minutes to go get him and pet and do that stupid pet voice and tell him how much I liked him.(guys still must not admit to loving)
 Now we are buddies again...
   Something to think about?

Monday, July 29, 2013


So cleaning is definitely not a priority...
  I am the proud new owner of wage slavery,commonly known as a mortgage.
It seems that those who have worn the collar long enough think of it as natural....
  Maybe I a hater of banks and bankers (like Jesus ) will become used to the chains like others
 Or at least shut up about it so others are not made uncomfortable

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Just another Monday...

Pick up boys at 6:30 go milk goat at co-op drive to Alcalde boys pick Walnuts and weeds while I trim a donkey and a horse.
 Drive to a ranch outside Chama to shoe 5 actually 6 well 7 horses
  the boys swim in the swamp catch 2 snakes try to feed the baby birds in a ground nest, narrowly avoid being eaten by horses and identify countless species of insect.
  stop on the way home to pull a shoe off a horse then the long drive home...

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Grove Burnett.
 "the mind is relentless and merciless in it's quest to solve problems"
A feeling is just a feeling until the mind gets ahold of it and starts to compose a story.
That is when things get exciting.
the picture of the mind as a relentless unswerving problem solving machine. It is not into rest or peace or recovery. it is tireless in it's search for solutions,and more importantly to these mindful people, problems.
 Hence the theory that the mind must be reined in and be forced to allow that sometimes there is no need to problem solve...


Walking the Vallecitos
 two tall trees stand together
One dead
The other.....sad?
Does she notice me speeding by?

Thursday, July 18, 2013


3 days at a silent retreat on mindful awareness

"Still your thoughts and you will be at peace"

 sit quietly eyes closed
a million thought rushing around
 a maelstrom on a stormy sea
Suddenly thoughts are still
adrift on an empty sea
bereft even of the illusion of progress

Saturday, July 13, 2013

New Worlds

Off to 6 or maybe 5 day silent mindful awareness retreat
 Those who did not know me during my silent period seem to be a little worried about the silent part.
  No worries! I will just channel my 8th grade mute.
    No research or prep just head on up to something I have never experienced before!
  Kind of like going down the big slide for the first time

Energy politics?

So from everything I read solar hydrolysis is the best way to capture and store Solar energy.
  I read an interesting paper on forward osmosis to purify water( Apparently it is much easier to break pure water down) Before I had not really thought about the energy cost of water purification.
 So we use photo voltaics to power the purification process then we use the same power to separate oxygen and hydrogen .
 Then the only problem is storage and transportation of the power source hydrogen

Family lessons

Although my stomach is a lot better from reducing cognitive dissonance,this exercise in family politics is no fun.
 I can just read Machiavelli
  So skip it and move on to next interesting thought project

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Bad parenting

Trying to explain to 6 year old the difference between Gods and Goddesses...... Not successful or maybe too successful?

Family lessons

Lesson one

  If a family meeting is planned it is actually round one in a capitalistic zero sum contest.

The person who can force the most changes in time and place wins round one in the power struggle of who has a voice. Those who actually move outside appointments to facilitate the process are not seen as cooperative  but weak and fearful and will be treated thusly regardless of their intentions.

computer idiot

Spent 4 hours with Ben's new laptop which was really cheap because it is discontinued.
  Finally got connected and loaded Dad's email and netflix but can't play anything.
Can't even find compasslearning and firstinmath.....

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Turkey Massacre!!

Ten adolescent turkeys disappeared from the yard a couple of weeks ago.
I could not figure out who could climb or go under the fence tke 8 and leave the feet off one more in one night.
 Owl? Bobcat? Neighbor?
  This morning woke up to angry dog and weird yipping.
Watched from deck as two coyotes (Luckily the other dog showed up to help) cruised around looking for food.
  What did they do with the turkeys? Do they have a little turkey pen or something?

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


I have spent my life just being me and of course surviving( I was going to say trying, but it is obvious that I am still alive.
  I lived through the bumps and dips of an interesting childhood. I have been married and divorced twice.

In 46 years I had never been REALLY mad and now I am

This is an interesting experience. Not the least is how many people tell that I should not be mad.
  "Good people do not get mad" "What happened was not that bad" and on and on.

Of course I always had an irritable stomach. Now the stomach is a lot better.
44 years of adroitly or clumsily avoiding conflict and internalizing any sense of injustice and it takes a personal attack by my sisters and brothers to wake me up to that.

I am finding a lot of work to actually deal with feelings of injustice and anger instead of burying them and have a stomach ache. Dealing with peoples response to me having feelings. Directing the actions these feelings ask for in a good direction.....

Monday, July 8, 2013

Evil Bankers and the mortgage joke

Even that Famous Jewish Carpenter couldn't find anything good to say about these guys.
   So we let them run our world because they are rich and rich people are better than poor people because God gives money to those he likes.

  Mother Teresa being a good example.
  Sam Walton being another
There is mounting scientific evidence that wealthy people ARE less honest than poor people. Those who study economics are less moral than other professions.
    Anyway some people do not seem to understand my anger, well unbridled rage really at being forced into a mortgage. A) they are instruments of evil. And B) I had it worked out so I would not have to have one.
  My sister made a smart ass remark that I could just sell my house and then I would not have a mortgage.
  I think she was trying to goad me and it worked! So since I am against mortgages I should be homeless? Or rent from a banker?
  Some equate a mortgage with home ownership. They have been hoodwinked into the financial servitude system that helps to keep us voting for evil.
  The bankers and investors are happily buying houses wholesale and then renting them back to the public at inflated prices so that our freedom of thought is even more impinged upon by fear.
  Until my ex-family changed their minds and screwed me in our estate dealings I was well on my way to a modicum of freedom. Now I am 30 years away.. They seem to expect me to forget this or shrug and say well this is life.
The fact that my family was directly and purposely involved with this makes me doubly ragefull.
  I will direct this rage as much as possible to removing this monkey from my back. Any way my ex family helps me in that regard is welcome. Otherwise they are just more strangers on the street from whom I must protect my wallet.
  I am okay with those of you who are happy with or resigned to being ripped off by BOA Wells Fargo and the rest.

   As for myself. Not happening!

too much info

My sister sent her DNA off to be tested and we got the bad news that we are like 99.7% Northern European with some North Africa markers.( Of course this assumes that we have the same father...)
  There goes the happy myth that our illegitimate Grandfather was from the Handsome Native playboy.
  Back to the more likely and drab likelyhood of bad family relations being covered up. As well as the vanished possibility of Casino money.
  Reminds me of the other family myth that Rachel "Sealock" was the only and infant survivor of a Dutch shipwreck.
  She suddenly appeared on the shore for the human scavengers to find.....

Friday, July 5, 2013


Sort of end of sleep thoughts/mini movie/dream/conversation
 Anger/hatred/revenge circling a campfire at night.
Huge threatening and dangerous
 When invited in turns out to be a scared little boy in tears...

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Time stuff and money

So I suffered through the Fake dinosaur exhibit at The ABQ convention center and then had to pay $36 to be trapped in a dark room with a giant video screen. I was a little bothered because Ben wanted both parents to take him to Despicable me(A lot of adults laughing by the way) But Mommy would not let me go with "her:" group so I had to shell out an extra $24....

As the proud owner of a giant vampire leech otherwise known as a mortgage every little penny gives me heartburn.
  I saw a lot of people spending $20 to $30  a person on mindless entertainment and I was struck by the thought that many of these people were struggling to make ends meet.

The subjective value of entertainment....

Friday, June 28, 2013

Now the boys are all excited about the Brazilian soccer camp "Because we get to take care of another coach!". They are not even signed up for it.....

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


Winning at all costs....
  Just read an old article on the democrats giving in and following the Karl Rove paradigm of fundraising and advertising in order to re-elect Obama
   What happens to one's spirit when one gives up their integrity for victor?

Sunday, June 23, 2013


I did not know that trying to write well takes energy and the effort seems to suffer when I spend a whole day shoeing horses with my two boys....

international relations?

For some reason I am hosting a soccer coach from England this week.
 Ben's coach was happy until she found out that I also volunteered my brother whom she she not know, then she got worried. So OK with bachelor dad and two kids making a good impression but worried about his brother? I think she is a little mixed up.
  Now we have to make the "cave" suitable for human habitation for a whole week? The pressure is unbearable.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

more morality?

Some people are upset that the San Antonio Spurs were gracious in defeat. This seems weird to me I have the position that being "good is more important than winning. 

Friday, June 21, 2013


Ten days into running at least a mile every day. Habits ARE habit forming!


So I had no propane and had to cook pizza in the oven inside. We went to bed(the boys and I) early
 Midnight wake up and it smells like I left the oven on. No little light so back to bed.
  Get up and think it still smells like cooking. No little light.
  2 hours later look at the knobs and feel the stove top. Of course it is on!
 The first instinct is to get angry and wonder why the dadblamed little light was not on.
  My training tells me that I could have been more thorough.
 This, to me, is a microcosm of how we are tempted to deal with life and of how I think I should encourage my 6 and 7 year old boys on how to deal with life.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


What is being good?
  Human beings pretend to like honor honesty kindness and sharing.
 We as groups seem to rarely celebrate these qualities, instead seeming to prefer "winning" Wealth success in sports and fame are much more interesting?

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Weird science?

Lost the car key on Monday. Looked in the key drawer(droor?) twice a day. O Wednesday finally took everything thing out of drawer and put it back Cleaned the bathroom cleaned the kitchen cleaned the bedroom looked in the car in the trash.
  Gonna have to order a new key!
 Saturday look in the key drawer one more time> Whatta ya know. It WAS in the last place I looked!!!!

Thursday, June 13, 2013


Running every day for 21 days and forcing myself to eat breakfast..... Suddenly breakfast seems almost inviting and I have an urge to jog....

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


Aristotle and habits via my good friend Michael Rawn.
  Very depressing... Aristotle Socrates and Lucretius knew just as much as we do about human nature. No computers. No Freud. No Jung. No space travel.
    It is Okay, I forgot our excuse for not learning a thing about spirituality in 2,000 years. ADD!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Culture and morality?

So we have some driven people who start business' play sports at the highest level and climb Mount Everest and run marathons too..
 The majority of people just want to have a good life. Work their 40 hours have enough resources to vacation and buy their flat screen tv.
  So what happens when a "B" personality works for an "A" personality?
  Sports personality "jokingly" tells his crew that it is okay to take a day off for your wife's(not your) first child. After that work is more important.
  I remember Our high school basketball coach telling us "Family then school or work then god then fun.
  Shout out to Alfred Lujan.
  American Capitalists seem to think work then work then contacts for work then public relations oh yea and you look better if you have a family.....
  So what is the importance of family and community for us?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

good times

Here is the kind of day I like.
  Trimmed a horse in Pecos for a 74 year old guy born in Pecos and with an interesting life story
Drove to Los Alamos to trim a little Arab for a veterinarian who has very right wing views We chatted about childrearing and morality and other subjects which we agree on.
  Then shoes for a very interesting very liberal smart lady .
  Drive home with every intention of going to the potluck for an African orphanage. Instead long nap.
  Wake up at 7 pm and decide to go for a jog.
 Running past the author's house and considering stopping in . Send short text get a call from Steve her husband. Once he figures out who I am I am graciously allowed to invite myself over and pick up signed copies of Destiny's two books(and some gin and tonic)
  Swap silly stories till they nicely kick me out at 9:45.
 Jog home without incident. I do wonder what the few cars I ran across thought of a guy in dress shirt swimming trunks and 2 books in his hand running down the road  at 10:00 pm.....

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Common sense?

My subconscious gathred information about my life(much like google and facebook) and decided that it would be a good idea for me to have a goal of running 21 straight days
   It would have been nice if he she or it had consulted me first but that is a story for another day.
 Something like 12 days in I hurt, or actually injured my foot.
  I "knew" right away that it would need rest but of course I could not stop in the middle of a "goal"
  So now I am still limping around more than a week after finishing the 21  straight days.
   Toughness? Or mulish stubbornness? I don't really know..... 

Thursday, June 6, 2013


These cool new tools keep track of our exercise on line.
 Now the little wrist ban computer will not talk to the heart rate monitor. I do not know if somebody was getting more credit, if they are fighting over a girl or what. I have called HR....I mean tech help. They said they will call me back....
  I am not admitting to anything but I am totally fascinated by heart rate pace etc. I love to go back and look over old runs so instead of running, waiting on HR

old guy

Sports talk show host Colin Cowherd loves the Eagles. His producer is making fun of this.
  Cowherd defending his musical taste
  Appealing to hi demographic. "Break out the 5 hour energy we are are going to parte! I am staying up til' 9:45!!!"

Sunday, June 2, 2013


The boys insist that we take the bus even though you are no longer required to.
 We park in White Rock and catch the bus and have a fun filled ride to the visitors center where we buy a season pass and head out with our apple juice bottle filled with warm water.
 Ben insists on stopping to read every information station which is hard for Soren.
 We have planned the 2.2 mile book-guided tour.
  Halfway through there is a trail to the top of the canyon so we take a detour and the boys hop skip and jump to the top.
  They chug water and finish it off before we make the top.
On the way down my injured foot starts hurting. Jeez man one little misstep!
  Soren overheats so he gets a soaking. A few minutes later we are in the shade and admiring the high-water marks from the 2011 flood.
  We decide not to go up to the 149 feet of ladders head back to visitor center watch 14 minute film buy snacks at the snack shop and ride the bus back to the truck!
  As Marta says someone was watching out for me.. I did not have to break my promise to go to White Sands. 

Friday, May 31, 2013


Plan to head to White Sands on Wednesday with the boys.
 Conveniently forget about work Wed and Thur.
 We'll finish by eleven and head down then.
 On the way up to Los Alamos to work Ben sees the sign for Bandelier national Park.
 He is all excited and so is Soren
  Parental genius. "Hey do you guys want to go to Bandelier instead?" "YEA!!!"
 In LA see another client "Are we on for tomorrow?"
Silently "S$%#T" "Yup we'll be here!"
  We have no shoes and socks in the truck because we were going to go home before heading south to White Sands.
 I decide to buy an LA Ouch. One Million dollars! for admittedly quality gear.
  Halfway through lunch the lady from the store shows up with our shopping bag.
  Somehow she tracked us down and made the time to bring us our stuff we forgot.
I feel better about spending money at their store.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


Soren "I need to wipe my but and wash my hands!
  Dad "I don't want to know!"
Soren " pooped outside!"
 Ben  " I did teensy tiny throw up because puppy was eating Soren's poop!"


Do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results!

Santa Fe; Doing the same thing over and over again and getting different results!


Miami heat fans. "The referees are being paid to screw the heat!"
 Indiana Pacers fan "The refs are being paid to screw the pacers!!"

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


About three days into running everyday I made a goal of running everyday for 21 days. A few days later I decided it had to be 5k not just running.
 Since then I have been waking up at 5:30 every morning.  Last night I went out at 10:45 and finished 5k for the 21st day.
  This morning with no conscious decision I slept till 7:45. Interesting.....

Monday, May 27, 2013

21 days

Of course I did not even bother to google the research behind the idea that doing an activity three weeks straight creates a habit. I just unconsciously( later consciously) decided to do it.
 Later it became run at least 5k. It seemed pretty easy till a mean rock attacked my left foot.
  Steve and Alessandra encouraged me to treat running like yoga . I did a lifetime supply in six weeks in 1985...
  Of course this got me thinking about motivation. I remember years ago telling a friend that I did not like to do dishes or housework because the dishes and house just get dirty again. She thought that using that logic one needn't bathe either... I like bathing, don't like housework so one seems a waste of time and the other seems necessary.

Sunday, May 26, 2013


Could have cleaned the house yesterday.. luckily two clients called with "emergencies!!!" Managed to waste time with those till it was time to come home,drink a gin and tonic and go to bed.
  Today had to leave at 6 to "volunteer" as "farrier in residence" at a horse show. Lessons in flirting from St. Augie(don't ask)
 Thanks Alessandra for milking goats! Day 20 of self promise to run 5k 21 days in a row. Get home at five, sore throat legs hurt ready for bed. Foot hurts drag myself through 3.1000 miles one beer... toast

Minor obsessions

Jogging on the road(anathema) two lane paved road weird tracks on the side of the road, kind of like old style wagon? a wagon would not swerve so much.
 I spend the whole run considering the mystery. I get home and still cannot figure out what the heck these weird tracks. A little monkey in the back of my mind worrying away at the problem.
the next day another route I see a big wheel with orange conduit... Ah! mystery solved! Of course as I am going to sleep the little guy in the back of my mind mentions that the rims of the giant conduit wheel do not fit in the tracks on the other road. I ignore him. As any victim of OCD knows, once that little guy gets a hold of you he puts you in a full Nelson and the next thing you know you are Monk the nutty cop(tv show)
  A few days later I am running on the side of the road and tripping on all the chopped down shrubs that the giant mower ran over..... Finally! mystery solved! the weird tracks are the little support tires for the county mowing machine.
 Close call averted

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Sex ed dad style

Taking the boys to a party the ex is at.
  7 year old Ben. "I don't want to go Dad.:
Dad "Why not?"
"because Kai(apparently 7 year old human female) hates me!"
6 year old Soren"She doesn't hate you, she likes you!"
Ben "well she keeps hugging me and trying to break my ribs!"
 Dad, with the wisdom of years"hugs from girls are good."
 Ben "Maybe hugs are good for girls, But boys..." Very expressive hand and facial signals that hugs are, at best, dangerous
 Dad "Yea no hugs till you are least 16!"
  Ben "Yeah! By then I will be able to run faster then her!"
    I feel I have done my part
Soren"She wants to kiss you!"
 Ben silent look of horror.
  Dad to self" That is a job for Mommy."

Thursday, May 23, 2013

New Day

Crazy dreams about cats. I think I am sleeping in. After what seems several hours of restful morning sleep I finally get up and wander into the kitchen and check the clock on the coffee maker,8:54? nope! 5:54 hmm that is odd. Now what do I do? Start the coffee and think about going back to bed. Bummer somebody left a pile of clean clothes on the bed. After a while I decide I might as well get my daily run over with.
  I try a new route up what I thought was a driveway but is a road.
I pass a couple walking their dogs.(Very calm dogs,very unusual) turn left and head up a rather steep hill and a Gelandewagen on the side of the road. There is no room in the driveway because of the porsche suv ...  around the bend and down the hill I am worrying about tie to get home because I have appointments .
About then I see the couple coming the other way and figure I am on a circle whew!


Wake early, run on the road because of foot "injury" . Tempting fate as Kevin said? anyway even though the foot does not hurt on the flat I notice a little hesitancy putting weight on it.
  Hard fun work day shoeing 6 horses on a movie set in the middle of nowhere.
Rush into town to pick up Donovan and meet my kids at free soccer camp demo. 2 hours later after serious mauling by "Stichymolluchi"(sp?) Some sort of bone head Dinosaur. Finally unload young Dinos on Ex and head home.
 Now the right foot hurts. I assume because of uneven stride running from left foot. Left foot is swollen and red. I expect bruising to be green or blue or something. Right heel hurts. Lucky for me I got the magic bath.
  Bubble bath while watching a European cop show on netflix on the $200 laptop. Traumeel on feet and crawl into bed

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I love my vocation!

So today was shoeing movie horses day! The nutty professor from Los Alamos came with me for entertainment!
Imagine a life where somebody tells you when to get up where to be and what to do all day.
  Sounds horrible doesn't it?
n  I wonder if to some people that sounds good...

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


I hurt my foot running yesterday, it bugged me all night. I wore my steel toed boots today. I usually don't. A horse stomped on my foot and scraped all the leather off the toe. No damage to foot.
 started an exploratory run , stepped on a branch and quickly changed my mind.
  Only a wuss would let pain direct decision making! I felt doubts and judgment but decided to stick to easy only arroyo and road. No pain felt silly until the last 1/4 mile which is rocky and rough. Limped home.
  Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.
  Finally looked at foot at bedtime. not pretty..
  This was going to be a longer post, but it is like almost midnight. LOL OMG and other silly stuff!


Sometimes I feel a happy little old man sitting at the top of my awareness laughing at/with all the foibles of life...


Darn foot kept waking me up all night. Bone bruise? I am slowly learning about an organized life.
  I remember my Step-dad, a native American almost became a priest instead volunteered for the marines and went to Vietnam ptsd alcoholic telling me two facts of life. 1) No matter how bad it is YOU can survive!  
2)No matter how good your plan,life is F*&(&^^%d up) So I became a survivor. A great skill and goal. Now at 48 I am considering that I missed something in the planning thing . Of course when I look at Cat's life it seems maybe we had something in the just get through today thing. At least that is a start, eh?

Part ll

As I view the huge house, sort of a buzz-kill when you are pretending to be Natty Bumppo or some such.I am thinking about Destiny's post about preparedness and being thorough in terms of  this run late, in a hurry  and freewheeling(on line thesaurus very disappointing by the way).(improvising?)slow brain thesaurus useless adlibbing!) I was considering the idea that there is a reason we use hiking BOOTS rather then shoes for mountain climbing .                                                      (running shoes planned obsolescence )
  I have to get to the top (some sort of OCD?) On the way down I am a little nervous that either some neighbor will freak out and call the cops or even worse I will knock a boulder loose and it (VERY steep hill) will roll down and hit somebody and cause a hullaballoo . It is cool to see how the brain works. As I approached the hill I saw a "path up" that disappeared  as I got closer. It turned out to be the path I followed as I went up. I had no plan going down. As I got near the halfway point I noticed my footprints going up. My mind and or the hill had sent me on the same path. Anyway I had an object lesson in boots vs shoes as I smashed the bottom of my shoe on a sharp rock and felt like I broke my foot at the joint of the little toe. (Prepared?) The pain faded as I forced a normal stride down the hill.
As I got to the bottom. It started to rain and I realized I would be late for twitter interview. So now I am worried about my phone getting wet and being late and my darn foot hurts!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Caught out in the rain?! part 1

It is either day 12 or 14, maybe 13 of run every days three weeks time. Last day this week that I have the boys. I drop Ben off at school and keep Soren(Mom is working and his school got out early for construction) We drop off the truck for repairs and get a ride over to the goat co-op and then home we just hang out till time to meet Mom. Then I run some errands. In the middle I realize that if I don't get home and run now I will miss Destiny's twitter interview.
 I was introduced to this new app,runtastic that tricks you into using your smart phone's gps to keep track of your runs. This means that I have to plug the phone in for a while (If a person runs without gps did it really happen?) Finally head out the door and feel like old shoe...plastic.
 Short quick run across rough terrain to the 9 mile arroyo ready to turn back until I see a mountain(hill) I definitely need to climb it!
  Whoa it is steeper than it looked and I have to take several breaks to "admire" the scenery. It looks like a lovely lonely hill with two houses on it. I have to avoid the houses. As I get near the top Thunderclouds remind me of a conversation I had with Fred Maas about lightning . I was not scared of it because hardly anybody dies of lightning. His reply"Hardly anybody is dumb enough to tempt lightning!" Good point
  Anyway going up the ridge in with lightning and not scared. Of course I get to the top and there is a huge monstrosity of a house. 

Men and Feelings

Colin Cowherd complaining about a TV show full of emotions.
  His wife(Does not mention her name) "You are just not in touch with your feelings,"
  Colin. "I am in touch and they are saying "Stop touching me!"."


I finally read the article in the new Smithsonian about 3-D printers. Awesome and a little freaky in that it may change our whole reality like the internal combustion engine or computers. I am surprised that no one in my presence has given Gene Roddenberry Kudos for the replicators. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Whatever we do is what is important to us

So let's see... My boys, running, blogging, work, reading. That seems to be what I spend my time doing...

The science of oppression

An article in Scientific American about a study on how oppression affects mental and emotional performance.
  If a person is in a group that is considered "less than" That person will perform worse on "Tests of intelligence etc." Oddly if We are in a situation where there is no "judgment" Everybody seems to perform to capacity. So if a woman is given problems that involve math she will perform to training and ability. If she were to be given these problems as part of an "Intelligence test" she will under perform. The same with racism and other organized  oppression.
  Great article!

Saturday, May 18, 2013


I have had this theory that I should save ideas for later. One for when I run out of ideas. This now seems ridiculous because my main problems seem to be A) forgetting great ideas before they get to paper,er... screen? Cloud? As Hillary Clinton(I swear it should be one L) said, "Whatever!" Anyway I think I can stop worrying about running out of things to say as that has not been a problem since high school...
 The other is that people may not want to read too many posts. I don't actually know what that is about. I guess if the writing is boring it won't get read and if it is interesting it will get read? A conundrum wrapped in an enigma? I guess I will put that in Steve's pretend not to be afraid box. It is true that I went back and looked at some old posts and they were not as bad as I remembered....

Fear? draft

"Stranger Danger" "Don't run out in the road." Many things we teach our children to fear, sometimes with good cause.
   Maybe fear is not the right word? I want my children to respect the road and I also want them to get to the other side like the proverbial chicken when need be.
  I want them to know that it is necessary to work like the little red hen and I want them to go out and play.
 Embarrassment. It seems that most of what we consider optional fear is the fear of being humiliated. "What others will think." Of course 

positivity(new word)

Shout out to Barb for sending the idea of "Just toke the shortcut to happiness" and Steve for "Pretend there is no fear."
  From Alessandra and I with the somewhat more pessimistic view on life.
  Seen on facebook optimist "The glass is half full!"
  The pessimist"The glass is half empty?"
  The realist  " think this glass is full of pee."


I had been thinking that I should change the nature of my blog specifically to attract "hits". Then I read that article about the most popular blog(in the world??)
 The post of a cute blonde giving a how to put on makeup while drunk got the most hits ever!?
  This helped to remind me that I usually do not manage to bend with the wind so well..,+ this blog is about my process and thinking.
  So back to writing whatever pops into my head and enjoying the process.
  How does relate to the title? It seems that one definition of courage is being different and not hiding it from others. Doing what seems right without worrying about social consequence....
 Although posting anything one did while intoxicated does take a certain kind of courage.
  I know of people who act angry and mean in spite of essential inner kindness. I asked one of them about this(courage?) She said "It hurts too much otherwise." Showing her true feelings was too risky so she spends her days fending off imagined attacks from all sides with pre-emptive strikes and recoils from slights real and imagined. Does it take courage to show caring or softness?
  So courage in showing ,in this case on computer screens my real thoughts and feelings could be a form of courage.

Friday, May 17, 2013


Daddy do we have to take a bath?
Heck no!.......Well at least not until the teacher or Mommy starts to complain.....But you better brush your teeth and floss cause we don't like that darn dentist (bill)


Or is it just self-hatred/doubt. I just read an article blaming American parenting for ADHD. This article claims( a lot of readers seem to come away thinking that there is no ADHD in France) That there is very little ADHD in France. The reason given is boundaries and no snacking.
  Really? Come on folks! The Japanese were forcing their children to learn calculus at 7 years old,Americans freak out! "We are stupid! Oh my God!" Later we find out that kids forced to learn things before their brains develop cannot problem (generally) and these guys in their early 40's started dropping dead from chronic stress.
 If it is true that the French are much more strict than the Americans(Again gross generalization) How much more creative will our kids be as adults. We claim that children love boundaries, we do not bother to think that people are more comfortable around quiet obedient children. A child that does everything they are told never questions adults always helps out gets straight A's is our current ideal.
  Anybody ever heart of Richard Feynman, Albert Einstein, Samuel Clemens. ?
 I want my kids to be good hearted ,self starting and creative. Obedience is in there. They damn well better not get run over by a car, deliberately hurt people or be lazy. But they also better be true Americans who think for themselves and problem solve with the best!

The Hill

Last year Brendan Maas told me he had broken my record at ST. John's hill.
  That comment brought back a rush of memories.
 Once a week the track team would jog( Well middle and distance runners would jog. Sprinters would walk lolly gag and whine.Something to do with fast twitch vs slow twitch) from the prep up to the arroyo behind St. John's College.
  There we would run or whatever to the top of the HILL a very steep climb of maybe 30 seconds then walk down get our pulse taken . when we were recovered we would run again. Apparently I held the record for number of hill climbs in one day.
  I think that this is typical of me in that I did not know that. I just remember a lot like those repeat 400s the calm and focus of supreme effort. I also remember waiting with the other kids for a pulse check to do the next repetition. After a while Coach Maas would tell me "That's enough." I knew that this had something to do with recovery times and heart rate
  I also was upset that Brendan(I am sure his brother Dan also broke this record) had broken this record I did not know I owned. Reminding me of a friend who once told me that she was the LEAST COMPETITIVE MOM EVER!!
   Later I went looking for the hill and could not find her. Those days will always be just a memory...

no tv week

So the 7 year old told me that this week should be no tv week. Being the permissive liberal kids are adults  in little bodies parent I agreed. Of course we do not have a tv, we watch netflix on the $220 laptop so maybe it is not too much of a sacrifice?
  At first the little one was very upset and tried to negotiate his way to a few shows(about dinosaurs) Then he gave in . The next day however he told me that no tv week meant no media(no talk radio!) so now we are in a quiet household!
  That brings me to the fairness thing again. Soren got candy and cupcakes at his graduation and Ben did not get to go. Ben thought it would be fair if Soren was not allowed to get anything  at McDonalds. I see this with adults all the time and I try to explain that taking away from someone else does not make things better, but no one listens...

Thursday, May 16, 2013

more running

Thought I was sleeping in. Finally roll out of bed and discover it is 5:30. Cool I will do my laps before the kids wake up. Dang slow and cold. Before coffee. Check in after first "lap" boys still asleep. Still feel half asleep. Second lap kids are up working on their sticker books. Survive a 3rd lap and start breakfast

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


So my carpool buddy Linda, yup I am a Mr. mom Girly man sensitive new age  guy.
  It all started with everybody telling what a great dad I would be, of course I pictured Bonanza or Little house on the prairie where everybody pitched in on the farm (or ranch) I did not picture holiday shows soccer camps kindergarten graduation (at 1:30 of course).
 Anyway after the boys got in the prius(of course) I headed off on my 8th consecutive day of running( an incredible accomplishment for me) still tired and sore, unlike in my youth, I headed up the power lines next to Old Las Vegas highway(don't get me started on people who ,of their own free choice, run on roads next to AUTOMOBILES. Asthma anyone?
  Anyway pretty soon I saw some deer prints. I thought "Hey those look fresh I wonder if I am following some deer!" I crossed a road and dropped into an arroyo and sure enough there were two rather large deer in a bit of a panic trying to finding the source of the locomotive sounds of whatever was crashing through the bush. I do nlt know if they did not see me or just could not believe that a 200 pound human could make the amount of noise they were hearing, at any rate they would do a couple of bounds and look this way and that then bound in anpother direction and look again. Finally the bounded up the arroyo and out of sight

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


7 days in a row running. I am sure I have not done that since high school . A little sore every day.
  I decided to run at least 5k every day for 21 days. So far so good. This week is with the boys so it is more difficult to schedule. Today I just ran laps up the driveway down to the Ponderosa etc. The boys did not seem to mind at all.  

Monday, May 13, 2013

Darn bookstore!

Many years ago my little brother and I took a road trip to visit our colleges ,which we had both dropped out of, UCSC and Humboldt State university. We took the old RX3 mazda station wagon with the Rotary engine designed by some guy named Wankel.
 Anyway I had forgotten how fun that trip was, we camped in Yosemite where the raccoons stole his shoes with his glasses in them(we bought new shoes but he had a much nicer view of the trip after that. We stopped in Santa Cruz and all my city friends were enamored of the baby poop brown car that had to be push started at every stop. I don't know why....
 Anyway we hit Humboldt where Beautiful Sue Johnson fed us like kings then up to Portland to visit my high school crush. We had heard of this bookstore that took up a whole city block.
 We headed home and ended up in Salt Lake City with no money and 400 pounds of books in the back! We did scrounge under the seats and found a few dollars in change and made it home.
  Ben decided that we would do no tv week. Soren Freaked out so I said we could go to collected works and get them each a Brainquest workbook as compensation.
  The whole way to the store they kept reminding me how the bookstore was sooo much better than the library because you get to KEEP the books! $81 later we got work books dinosaur sticker books and dinosaur history books.
  Somehow those darn books always get me!

rules, authority and whining

There are two big events in sports tight now where, in my view , cheating is being encouraged and going to the authorities is being discouraged. The Chicago Bulls basketball team does not have the talent to compete against the Miami Heat, so they are resorting to tackling harassing and pushing the other team around in the hopes that they will get so upset that they will not play well. Pundits and fans are proud of this and even go to the extent of calling the Heat players whiners and crybabies.
  This is why I also will not watch ice hockey because if a player on the other team is too good the worse team sends a player out called the enforcer who deliberately injures the great player. The offender then gets a two minute penalty and his team wins.
 The other in golf is not so clear. Sergio Garcia was distracted by something Tiger Woods did and made a bad shot. Everybody jumped on Sergio because he should be tougher. Of course nobody mentions that Tiger Woods constantly yells at and berates audiences for doing the slightest thing to distract him.
  The rule of "Winning is everything " is at best amoral and at best encourages cheating. If somebody complains about cheating everybody calls them a baby.
  I have two boys, one who believes in authority. "What do you do about bullying?" Soren says "bleep his bleep". Ben says "Find a teacher!" Ben has a good way of looking at situations and trying to make things better but in the world of high finance Soren would be rewarded and Ben would be in trouble for trying to do the right thing.
  This bugs me.


I keep hearing "follow your heart!" "Make your dreams come true!" What the heck? As one of my friends said after a divorce,"Everybody keeps telling me to do what I want, I don't know what the heck they are talking about."
  What are my dreams? Well number one was survival. I have now survived almost 49 years on Earth(not counting womb time).I am assured by many that there is more to life than survival. Really? I guess I missed that memo.
  Somebody recently asked me what is important to me. My gut response was "helping people". Oddly i do not think I spend much time or energy on that. Survival mode does not include a lot of programming for helping. It is mostly about...well... um surviving! So life seems easy right now ( although not many would call horse shoeing easy) For the first time in my life I have a small amount of leisure time that is not devoted to resting up for the next "Battle for survival!" To be honest it is a little confusing. I am used to jumping from one task to another without any long term thought involved. Now there is time and energy top consider values and wants as over against needs and emergencies

Sunday, May 12, 2013


A girl I knew in high school( well I did not really no her because I had a policy of not talking another story) anyway the point is that she is currently finishing much complicated long-lasting post graduate education . Another friend of mine is finishing pre-law and going to law school in Oklahoma. One my my riding students is finishing his second semester of law school...
   I am awed and impressed. I dropped out of college when I found out they wanted my to actually study and read all kinds of how shall I put it... boring stuff.  A few years after that I had a lot of people telling me I should be a professional masseur. That sounded great in a lot of ways so I looked into it. \

2 years of study and $4500 before I can start practice?!?!? So I started my horse-training business.

A long winded way of saying I admire you guys sticktoitiveness! go you guys


Somebody recently told me that you do not develop new habits till you have done a new activity 21 days in a row.
  IO have run 5 days in a row seems like a good time to go for 21 in a row. I have been sort of running again for 5 years. The last 3 years I have had an online running assistant who keeps track. 3 times a week 2.5 miles average 16 minute miles. Of course it has really been once a week when with the kids and the rest on the other week. Seems to be slow progress partly because of it.
   Of course it has been a lot easier since I accidentally lost 30 pounds.
  We will see how it goes

Saturday, May 11, 2013


Somehow one of Ben's soccer cleats did not make it to his Mom's house. I felt really bad and of course the internal homeostasis computer went off trying to figure out how to blame someone for the oversight.
  Funny how quickly our self defense mechanisms kick in.....

Don't drink and run

Long hard work day then stupid errands. Bleep it! I am not running today. Two glasses of wine and change mind.
Start out slow and get worse, every downhill step is a jarring reminder of my age up hill is not so bad but real slow.
  I am a little sore from hard "runs " the previous days so I think that my muscles are exhausted and giving no shock absorption.
  Following the power line lots of up and down after 3 miles of torture I think that maybe it is not tired muscles.... Note to self don't do that again!

Friday, May 10, 2013


I got a call from a woman about trimming a horse at the Delancey street foundation. I had heard of them and knew they sold Christmas trees. So after a long morning shoeing 4 horses I head over to trim a horse. Gloria finds me and leads me to a locked gate where we wait for somebody to unlock for ten minutes. We are finally let into a beautiful facility where Fernando invites me in for a tour while we wait for somebody. We see the dining room and the little lake full of giant catfish and he starts talking about the class. He tells me we are waiting for the group and I realize that they are expecting me to give a class on hoof care.
 It turns out that there are 5 horses and  7 people expecting  me to conduct a clinic on horse and hoof care!
  Of course I am a little disorganized and love to create so I cancel the rest of my day(hopefully my clients will understand) and we talk about shoeing and trimming horses and I learn about the program which started in San Francisco as a rehab center in 1971.
  Apparently it is what all us liberals have thought jails should be all along. A place for people who cannot handle life or who cannot follow the rules to get their act together under strict supervision.
  So we spend 3 hours under the shade of a huge cottonwood working with horses and hooves and then they invite me in for dinner. I feel pretty good about myself for giving back or whatever it is ones does when trying to help others with no expectation of remuneration(should be renumeration but Webster says no, must look up the root of that word) Anyway to top it all off the woman who originally called hands $400 and says she is sorry that is all she has. Now I feel really good because some good deeds do go unpunished.
  Of course I also feel some sort of guilt for taking the money. However I now have a plan. Ado not use however or but to start a sentence! B maybe we can set up a program to help the horses and citizens of Delancy street. It is not fully formed in my subconscious computer but we are working on it!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

house Elves?

Some jerk came over to my house while I was out and made a bunch of meals and left the dishes undone and food out the he also had the gall to do to do a bunch of laundry and leave it on the kitchen table. Plus all the sheets are in the washing machine !
 When I catch that guy I am going to give him a piece of my mind!


I have been on a food allergy test diet since January, (well I was very restricted until my stomach got better) and because if this i have lost 30# this was no big deal until i finally got the time to go out for a "run" and found out that 196# is a  lot lighter than 226#.
  I ran up to the water tower twice and headed home on Cibola Circle. of course when i saw an arroyo I had to check it out and found that it was on the way home, after the Highway tunnel I was about 3 tens of a mile from home. i recently decided that i wanted to make every run at least 3 miles, and my little gps said 2.3 although the pedometer said 2.7 Anyway I figured I would run down the arroyo till 3 mile on gps. then run home thereby ensuring  3 miles. Of course i did not do the math of .7 miles down then  .7 miles up then over the fence across the scrub brush(in the dark) over another fence up the steep embankment to cross the road then the 400 meter driveway. A little more tired than I expected!

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


Laying in my bath(cause I do not have a hottub) grumpy and tired. I have noticed that when I am irritable tired or in pain that it is easy to look to the outside world for reasons(excuses?)
 Any way remembering driving by my childhood home the other day and my two boys wanting to go by and see their old house. What the heck do I say to them? I was already tired from a long hard day so tight away the feelings of bitterness and anger come back up What the bleep was my bleeping family thinking?!!!
  In the bath I was getting all riled up again and a voice in my head speaks to me You're a hero aren't you? Of course I answer that being a logical response to somebody asking one a question. "i try to be.." Well heroes don't whine, pout, sulk or brood." Well that sounded kind of like an insult.. "But I am right!"
  Superego or guru or whoever he is answers "And what good does that do you?"
  Two days later I still hear the id complaining about injustice and unfairness and all sorts of perfectly true issues of the day, but with the new turquoise heart and the goldarn voice in my head it does not seem as important anymore..

Sunday, May 5, 2013

dreams? part one

Following Destiny Allison's blog (of course computer does not agree with me sharing that I follow. Little button says add blogs you follow. I type it in press "follow" and all disappears. HMPH)
  Talking about following your dreams....
  What dreams? I remember a youthful dream of .... Here is where frustration sets in. How to turn a picture and vision into words in such a way that I express something approximating communication. I guess it was more like a controlled nightmare. I think I was in space trying to create order in the Solar system... or maybe the universe. All these giant balls of energy and mass spinning out of control. I still remember their subjective size texture and speeds. It seems that many times I tried and failed and of course everything imploded... or exploded or something.
  Then one night I remember there came an orderly and predictable series of orbits and interactions in this universe of the night. I had not thought of this dream in many years, but those images are just as sharp and clear (or newly made up) as those nights in the homemade bunk bed( another image I would like to "paint")
  I remember a painting John Cap gave me years ago. I think he said it was a portrait of me that reminded me of those dreams or nightmares or experiences...
  Anyway I do remember wanting to be OJ Simpson. Lucky miss. Now sometimes people say follow your heart or do what you have always wanted to! I try to think of something that drives me in they way I believe they are talking about and come up with confusion.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

moral development and crude justice

My younger son has always been.... strong willed. I strongly empathize with the older, Ben. He seems to always be trying,often with success to make the world better for everybody he is around. He also seems to expect (naturally)  to be acknowledged and rewarded for his efforts. He will sulk, pout and hide when disappointed or when he feels Justice (with a capital j) is not being served. He also believes strongly in rules and in higher authority. When there is an issue or disagreement you go to Mommy, Daddy, teacher,, policeman and present your case. Rules are rules and must be followed.
  Soren, on the other hand, has tons of empathy when he is aware of others pain. He will go to some effort,sometimes more, to alleviate suffering or create joy. However he seems to be a little single minded in his ideas. I remember him as a 14 month old fighting with Ben(who is 16 months older) Ben hit Soren and got put in the crib as a time out. Ben was crying about his Teddy Bear. Soren went and found Teddy and took him to Ben. On the other hand at nursery one day he pushed his best friend out of the tree they were playing in. When challenged he claimed that Henry was in the way. "well use your words first." His succinct answer " That takes too long".
  Now it seems that Soren has decided that he is the arbiter of Justice. He acts quickly efficiently and decisively when he sees that Justice is not being served. Unfortunately we often call this vigilante justice. He does not believe in going to authority (teacher,mommy,daddy) He proudly serves out Justice with no hesitation. I don't know whether to applaud his audacity or punish his arrogance or both....
  I told my older sister of this and of my sharing Ben's views on the matter. She tells me I was like Soren not Ben as a youngster. More cognitive dissonance!

Soccer Dad?

Younger son play date, soccer game at Santa Fe downs at 9 am, two birthday parties.  older Boy only one game at ten(In Eldorado forty minutes from downs) and one birthday party! 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

If a tree flies...?

Heading north St Francis Drive in Santa Fe watching a large Dust devil traveling East. I realize we are going to collide so I slow down a little. Suddenly a fifteen foot tall Russian Olive takes flight and lands in front of my truck. I swerve around it and wonder if I should call 911 or the county or something . Eventually I do nothing. This morning someone has dragged it from the driving lanes and there it lies alone and un-mourned.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013


When my boys who are 6 and 7 won't share I will sometimes take away whatever they are not sharing.
  Yesterday Soren (the younger) came up to me all proud because he had made things fair by destroying the cave the Ben had made and would not share. Soren's caves kept collapsing. I spent five minutes explaining how destroying(his word) did not make things fair it made things worse. ( A novel by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. )
  Later I realized that my taking things from them was exactly the same in his mind as him destroying the cave. Now what?

Monday, April 29, 2013


I am a very thoughtful person. I do not mean that I think things through in an orderly and organized manner or that I necessarily think well about others .
I just think a lot. About anything that comes into view or mind or hearing or whatever. So it is kind of noisy in my head. It doesn't bother me and it makes running alone quite entertaining, if not peaceful.
  I was taking a break the other day and saw the perfect tree. The "Platonic" tree if you will. Plato had this idea that there was a perfect everything somewhere in idea land and that all out existence was but cheap copies thereof. Hence the platonic (ideal) relationship being one without physicality
 Anyway way I wanted to paint a picture with words so others could see this tree. I realized that that would be a poem which brought back memories of many short poems I wrote in my last year of high school and my first (sounds so much better than only) It was very easy and I wrote a lot. Of course since it seemed too easy  and the few times I had tried to read poems outside of court.. class ordered pence I had never been able to make myself pay attention. Robert Frost "Whose woods these are...." and "...I took the one less traveled" And who could miss Leaves Of Grass. (Full disclosure I do not remember anything but the title and maybe something about wind...or was that "They call the wind Mariah?) The point being that if it is easy and if one can or will not read poetry one by definition cannot be a poet? Luckily all those poems have magically disappeared from the Earth so there is no way to test that theory.
   I just read the title then the post and they do not seem to be connected. What was I thinking about when I started.... Oh yeah how my life right now is relatively stress free and it feels uncomfortable because I have always had some sort of crisis since ... well since before I was born Any way strange times...

Sunday, April 28, 2013

mind and body

Went for a run for the first time after remembering in a visceral sense that feeling of ...fitness? That is part of it. It was a sudden shock plunging back into a 48 year old body. After the feeling of diving into freezing water wore off it ended up being an acceptable experience.
 I found it very interesting how the mind and soul took my awareness back to that day on the field at Santa Fe Prep. The body did not follow. Bummer.
  I guess there is a reason we have mind,body and spirit. I felt like a passenger in my mind and a passenger in my body. Memory separate from "reality" or just an astral form of time travel? 

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Strong memories

The spring of 1983 finally getting down to the important part of the day, track. I am fit and strong, the self described "athlete who reads" Mrs Epp our English teacher had requires us to write and autobiography. i, wanting to skip, or rather not remembering the gory details of an interesting childhood, had stuck with semi fiction. Anyway changing into running gear and going through the necessary but bothersome details of stretching and strength work I am finally on the field with Coach Maas . Today is the test of fitness. I know they have measured out the 440 yards around the soccer field for the workout. 12 440 at 65 seconds each. I do not remember the rest period. 30 sec for partial recovery 90 seconds for race fitness (half mile race) or heartbeat down to 120 for another test. Nerves and concentration start the first rep easy stride and float around the turns my idea is to do each one at exactly 63.5 seconds. First one 63.8 pretty good stand quietly with big but still easy breathing waiting for the signal to go. The agonies of adolescence forgotten. The broken family and all other concerns are gone just the sound of my breathing and the focused waiting for the signal to go.  63.3. better. The outside world recedes still further 64, 63.2 .63.6 63.5 yes! Now I am at one with myself as the reps roll around till the last one. maybe a little extra? Yea 59.5 to finish off the day.  I am ready. I cannot wait till tomorrow when for just a little while my world is simple clear and hard.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


I have been trying to look at what I find important by keeping track of what I do,not just what I think or say I find important. So far pretty boring. Work some blogging posting political stuff on facebook, hanging with my kids reading fiction. That is about it. When I have time and energy a little "running". Oh yeah netflix on the laptop. I thought I was interested in a new relationship. For some reason it is not a top priority in terms of my actions. Something to explore.....

Saturday, April 20, 2013


Just finished to novels in which one of the main characters was honesty and or truth. Always something on my mind as I can feel that sometimes the truth of what we believe is not the Truth and then there are little white lies, then there is protecting someone from the truth. There is also radical honesty, which in theory I am all for,until I run up against the truism that it is sometimes better to say nothing if you cannot find something nice to say. Of course there is always our old friend the half truth. I wonder what he puts on the census sheet? A friend of mine told me that the truth can be used as a weapon. Interesting. Are some things better left unsaid?
  When one is hurt by another's actions it is natural (maybe not good) to remember and to seek redress for these wrongs. When one injures another with or without intent it is just as natural to wish that they would just get over it. I just read some quote from some famous guy who, when ask why it is important to forgive stated that you only have to forgive once but holding on to resentment to a serious effort every day. Sometimes forgiveness seems like a lie as over against actually forgiving. What does that mean  anyway. Forgive. Lay down one's armor? run from a battle? be the better person?
  So I went from truth to forgiveness Hmm. Is there a connection ?
  I remember reading one of those little homey things old people put up in the kitchen about gossip. First ask yourself "Is it true? Is it kind? is it useful? The value of truth only being part of the equation., Of course I also read a little thing on facebook "If you don't want me talking about those horrible things you did maybe you should not have done them!"
  I could go on, but I think that is enough "Truthseeking for one day.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Self esteem?

So what is self esteem? My 7 year old has a crush on a classmate. When we went to drop something off at her parents  he hid until we left. Shyness or self esteem? It seems to me that there is a difference, although I cannot define self esteem. Shyness seems simple; fear of social interaction with other humans. 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

snow, life cont..

I had decided that the bald tires on the car could last through the summer. Due to our late start we got to I70 in Colorado at nine pm in the middle of o crazy rainstorm! The car was sliding all over the road, we slid into Papo's house around 10:30.
  On Sunday the boozing and watching did not workout so well. I got to ride up "Fanny hill" and walk or jog down holding one of the little skiers around ten times. Nice workout. We then took the kids to the mini fossil museum with the hostess who had the weirdest hair I have ever seen. Sort of a brownish blonde rats nest on top of and all around. We did miss the end of season costume ski jump into a pond. Papo was a little disappointed but the boys did not care at all.
   In the morning I realized that with the snow I would not make it home on bald tires so I spent the morning getting new ones while the boys hung out. By the time we left the snow was falling heavily. We drove past the big road closed sign in Glenwood. I thought that it was a little sloppy of the highway guys to just lay it on the side of the road. The boys being practical thought that maybe they left it there because they were going to use it again. 2 minutes later we were parked in the snow with no cell service on the highway for an hour. I guess we should have taken a closer look at that sign. Definitely would not have made it on the old tires.
We had another hour long rest on 70 and then a nice long rest on 184 before we got to dry and very windy conditions. Of course we had to stop at the Alligator farm by the great sand dunes and get our picture taken with a very cold alligator. Apparently the alligators are the cleaning crew for the talapia farm. The water is geothermally heated for the tropical fish. Then a nice uneventful brown air drive to Santa Fe


So  a-lot of people have been bugging me about skiing,which I do not like. Okay to be honest ,I probably would like if it was not so expensive,time-consuming, cold and expensive. Did I mention the number of people I know who have had acl surgery due to skiing "accidents"?
 My 2 boys,who are 6 and 7 did not get to go skiing this year because that is the ex wife's responsibility(she tells me skiing is next to Godliness.Of course she did not have the financial resources to take them. I do not either
I may dislike skiing because during my mute phase somebody signed me up for public school lessons. Probably my dad because I remember the skis from the bronze age came from him. I had to find the bus and ride up to a freezing snowy place with a bunch of snot nosed strangers. After half an hour the instructor decided that I was an advanced skier and ordered me off to the other group. I, being mute, was unable to tell her that I had never skied before. Off we went to some sort of moving chairs that scooped me up and dropped me off at the top of the mountain. Halfway down I realized that I had only half of a ski on the right side. I guess exposure to oxygen is not good for fossils. My Sears and Roebucks jeans were soaked as  walked down the mountain. Being a smart mute child I have managed to avoid skiing since.
  Since somebody whose name will not be named to protect the guilty had introduced the boys to skiing the are disappointed to not be skiing. Grandpa lives down valley from Aspen Colorado so I decided that we could drive up and I could drink Grandpa's booze while he too the boys skiing during spring break at the famous ski resort. Since the ex had forced the boys to play soccer it did not work out, so we left Santa Fe at  one pm on Saturday after a doubleheader for the 7 hour drive to "papo's" house. Of course I had to stop in Chimayo and put some orthotics on a horse on the way.
  I, of course realized that I had bald tires on the VW Golf that I had was driving up. Since it costs one third what the big truck costs to drive we took it anyway.
 To be continued.... Alessandra.

Monday, April 15, 2013


I misplaced my "smart" phone... well to be honest ,first I left her charger at Grandpa's house, then I misplaced her. Double crime! First of all my "smart" phone is deaf. This is a serious issue if you take hands free seriously.  Please call sparky. "Did you say call the IRS? " No!! you stupid. #@%#$^%$^%$@^%$^!
 Next time just say "please call Sparky. 

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Try and try again

Destiny Allison had a cool little graphic on her blog of an arrow point skyward"what we think success looks like and another arrow that was all twisted up where the tip eventually points skyward. "how success is."
  I have been actually trying to deal with stomach (that word really needs an e on the end) ills for the first time in my life for about forever(really about 8 weeks).
  For the first 30 years I thought my gut was normal. To show the weird way my mind works(maybe not just mine) I saw a movie where they made fun of irritable bowels syndrome and I thought "Oh that is my stomach(e). Shortly after that I discovered Imodium and was a happy camper. Of course I had these chronic headaches and somebody doctory told me I probably had fibromyalgia. I asked about treatment and got bored halfway through a long winded explanation and decided that I did not have fibromyalgia, whatever that was.
  So taking tons of Ibuprofen for back and headaches and ton of imodium for you know what I was pretty happy until my finger started hurting. That is when I went to the naturopath who told me that the arthritis is probably from immune response caused by covering up the symptoms of food allergy or sensitivity.
  * centuries into this food allergy diet (with of course some timeouts for wine and one for cake) I am ready to throw in the towel. However there is Destiny's post. This reminds me of a few years ago right after I had discovered the my physical strength had limits. I was trying to move a pile of roofing tin and had just about given up. I thought "One more push then I will give up and leave the whole project undone. Of course that time the pile moved .or I thought it moved, one millimeter. I redoubled my efforts and was able to remove the obstacle and finish my little project.
  When I was younger I never had doubts like that. If I thought I could do a project I did what it took to get it done. Of course the few times I did not think something feasible I did not even try. This did leave many things undone, but it was useful once a project was commenced.(sometimes big words are fun)
  Anyway it does not sit well with me to throw in the towel now, because I like to think that I only give up when the task turns out to be impossible, not just really difficult. So I listen to the story of King Richard watching the spider try again and again until the web is finally spun and continue to eat a very limited diet. for another day. looking for the day when my stomach may end up not needing that e after all

Elementary school

Allessandra making fun of me for "publishing" half written posts. Well this half written post just disappeared. Reminds of "the one that got away" The tragedy of my best blog ever disintegrating into the ether without a trace. Ah well I guess it is true that since i was selectively mute for 5 or 6 years I have plenty of words backed up in the system. 
  I just hate to repeat myself when I can still remember the gist of what O was saying. The is nothing like a well worn story to comfort oneself with on long cold nights before the fire in Paleolithic days when there was no tv on internet and apparently all our ancestors ate was grass fed beef and roots. I myself suspect they ate a lot of bugs and stuff too. Anyway.... 
  My mom and her new boyfriend 22 year native American Vietnam veteran with ptsd and substance abuse problem came moved us back from Oaxaca, Mexico in January of 1971.
  So my older brother and I were dropped off one morning at a big black building call Agua Fria Elementary school. I remember being ushered into a room filled with kids and one adult and finding a book filled with math problems. Well I went right to work solving all these cool problems and all was hunky dory until suddenly the lady comes up and tries to force me to go outside into the freezing wind and hang out with a bunch of strange kids. I of course objected strenuously, to no avail, I was thrust into this cold dengerous world with no defense but my wits.. This was the start of my hatred of this thing called "school".